The Disappearance of Jim Ellison.
I dont think I can do this anymore. It just hurts too much. I know how much he has given up for me, I know more than most, but nobody ever seems to look at things from my point. I have tried not to feel sorry for myself, and to just act like everybody is right and that I am totally to blame. Maybe I am, but God does anybody understand and care about the wounds inside of my heart. I never intended to hurt him, or anybody else, I have never intended in my whole life to hurt anybody. I never wanted to need him; I never wanted to care about him. You would have thought I would have learned by now. If you dont want to be hurt dont care, but most importantly if you dont want to hurt anybody else dont care. No matter what I do to try and protect the people I care for I hurt them. I know how much I have changed since him. I have friends now for the first time in my life or at least I did have friends. Now they are his friends, they are his family and if I am lucky they let me tag along. I am the one that is at fault if he is hurt. And they are right, I did hurt him. What I cant seem to understand is why things happened the way they did. Everything I did was because I wanted to protect him. When I sealed everything up, it was because I was afraid of what would happen to him if I didnt. When I stopped the shot from being taken, it killed me inside. I felt things I didnt understand, and I may never understand. I did not want to have the feelings inside, but they were there. I didnt want to have these feelings tear me apart inside but they did. When the cameras and lights were shoved in my face, I felt my world collapse. Everyone talked about what he gave up for me and I know they are right, he gave his life for me. But people either forget or dont care what I gave up for him. I gave up the ability to protect myself, I gave up the shields that protected my heart, and I gave up the darkness. Most would say that was a good thing to give up, but not always. The darkness protected me from the world. It allowed me to survive. It hid the freak. That was what hurt the most. When they started calling me the freak again. I thought he understood how hard it was for me when people called me that. Maybe he does, no I know he does. I dont want him out of my life I want him here, I need him here. Things are o.k. between the two of us, we both realize that we made mistakes and we need to move on. It can be hard to do that though because everyone else looks at me with eyes that accuse, and eyes full of hate and disgust. I hear the comments that Meagan makes about my being a jerk, and hadnt I done enough when I allowed him to be killed, the way that H looks at me like I killed his puppy, and Simon who barely manages to hide the anger. They dont understand and probably never will, but he does, and I would not change anything, if it meant that he would not be in my life.
"Hey Jim are you ever going to come eat breakfast, we are going to be late, and I am not going to take the blame for it this time" Blair yelled up the stairs with laughter in his voice.
"Jeeze give it a rest rookie, we have at least forty minutes before our shift."
"Yeah but were taking my car remember" Blair taunted
"Good point, on my way"
Jim wrote one more sentence and left the journal lying on his bed. The last line seemed to sum up everything for him.
Will his friends ever understand, because they are his friends now, not mine. They accept me because of him. While I may be the Sentinel of the great city and his Blessed Protector, Jim Ellison lives no more. His body is still here but his soul suffocated under the weight of his guilt and the accusations of those who once were his family by choice.