Missing Scene for Night Shift
Summary: SentinelAngst January Themefic.
Disclaimer: Jim and Blair belong to Pet Fly. I'm just borrowing them.
"You didn't answer him. What good does it do for a man to have ears that will hear a thousand miles if he cannot listen to the whispers of his own heart?"
"You should begin by listening to the hearts of others."
He stood transfixed staring at Gabe, feeling a flare of guilt and shame at the homeless mans words. Down in the depths of his heart he did Gabe spoke true.. Hadn't Blair just volunteered to destroy his notes, fore-go his life's attainment in finding and studying a sentinel and give up his chance for a doctorate, all for friendship of Jim?
It's just that he had been stunned and blindsided by what Blair had written down for others to see and judge him by. Territorial, fear-based responses, afraid of intimacy, all these things made him sound like some cowardly, dick-less Neanderthal. If that's what Blair truly thought of him... .
And Blair must think that, after all Blair had been spouting off about working with him to improve himself. How could Blair really want to be friends with such a backward freak as himself? He felt his heart clench at the harsh word that floated up from his memories in his father's voice.
This is where the wave of anger came every-time he thought about what Blair had written. And Blair had talked to Caroline. How could they go behind his back discussing his personal, sexual life. That shouldn't have anything to do with his abilities. He knew deep down Gabe was right but he also couldn't banish the anger that Blair was wrong in how he had gotten information and shouldn't Blair the one in tune with his inner self listen to Jim's heart as well?
Still, he was in the wrong, Blair had asked him not to read the paper or at least he had told him that his reading it would..."Jim, look, you're the subject of an ongoing study. If you were to read this before we finished, it would invalidate all our research."
It's not our research but his research and it's about me. I hate that. I hate being a subject, especially of Blair. We are supposed to be friends and he writes about me like I'm some interesting specimen under a microscope to be studied like a beast in it's natural environment. I feel like I'm his latest Larry, and Larry was an uncaring chimp.
I wouldn't have read the blasted thing if he hadn't been taunting me with the danged thing, laughing about it's contents and then leaving it lying around for anyone to read it. And I read it. I don't see what he found so funny, to me it's deadly serious. If he thinks my territorial, fearful, no what did he say fear-based, inability to be intimate responses are funny then we really don't have a basis for friendship. I really am just a study subject to him and the last three years have just been a well acted play on his part so the kid doesn't lose his precious sentinel and holy grail.
I wish I knew the truth of it, friend, who desires to study me to help me with my senses and get a doctorate or charlatan using me with the carrot of friendship to gain national acclaim on his study of the freak. I don't want to another Elephant man. I shudder when I remember seeing that old film in English Lit back in high school. Even then I feared that the other kids would realize I was as different as the Elephant man and so available for ridicule. I could hear my father's words always uppermost in my mind: "Freak."
Sigh, he did offer to destroy his notes and what had that crazy, homeless man said, "Listen to his heart and the heart of others?"
What did his heart say...?