Thoughts After Crossroads
After seeing Crossroads today I thought about what Jim must have been feeling when his friends show up against his express wishes.
I can't believe Simon and Blair followed me up here. I mean all I wanted was a few days of peace. Is that so much to ask? I mean I feel like I spend all my time being something for everybody but for myself.
For Simon I'm his personal bulldog, go out and get the bad guys; bring in that psycho; stop those drug dealers. And then there's Blair watching every thing I do, every move I take and recording it like I'm some specimen in a lab.
I mean I know I agreed he could study me for his dissertation but does that mean I have to be under the microscope all the time? Sometimes I'd just like to be the next guy who can do something without having it analyzed.
I used to be such a private person, a loner, and maybe it's a good thing I'm not so alone anymore but it doesn't change my basic personality. Sometimes I just need the solitude, to think, to recoup, to recover, my zeal and determination for my job and my life.
I didn't want them to think I didn't want them around or that I didn't love them I do. I just... I don't know, then Blair went and got his feelings hurt. Goodness he's supposed to be the anthropologist, the studier of man. Couldn't he understand or see how exhausted or close to the edge I was?
And Simon, what's the use of a burnt out cop?
_ _ _ _ _
They show up and sure enough trouble follows, though I can't blame them and I'm really glad they were there to help and support me. I wish Blair hadn't got sick though. I could have really used the respite from stress. I don't blame him but he doesn't know how stressful, how painful it is when he gets hurt and all I can do is stand around. There's no enemy to fight and I feel so helpless.
Even though every-things cleared up now and they've finally gone home this place will never be the same for me. I'll always remember Blair's illness and my fear for him while he was in that tent.
I can't stay here now. I can't rest now. Sigh. I've got to go home. I've got to make sure Blair is really okay. I just wish... I just wanted a little break but maybe that was just to much to ask for.
Maybe Blair and I can get away next week. Simon can join us and we'll go fishing close to home. I can still get a break I'll just make Blair promise no tests and Simon no shop talk. We'll sleep late and eat what we catch. I'll also make them both promise I can take a long hike by myself.
I'm not alone anymore so I've just got to learn to adjust.