EMAIL: DemeterBeta'd by Xasphie. Thank you!
Its the hardest thing to admit it, but somewhere under all those other chaotic feelings I fought to push aside, was utter relief. Yeah, you got that right. That moment, I could see the future laid out for me, no, us, me and my real, official partner. If it happened because he didnt have any other choices left...for a dark, unforgivable and selfish moment, I didnt care.
Blair would stay with me. So he would have to carry a gun, the scenario hed always dreaded, but hed stay, and to a point, that let me have a lot of control. My world, my rules once again, and this time, there was no turning back.
I had accused him of betrayal, said things that hurt, with mean deliberation, only to feel like something Id been plotting for quite some time was unfolding. Control issues alright, of course I hadnt been plotting anything, it was just the most unfortunate twists of fate or just life, whatever, came together and turned the tables on us.
Before that, if you looked closely, there was already an imbalance of power. However, he was never fully aware of the extent of power he had over me, and I was safe knowing that.
All good things come to an end, thats what they say, and in our case it would be him finding another Sentinel, or finishing his dissertation. Or getting killed. Ironically, all of this did happen, within a few months.
The Alex nightmare had left us vulnerable to old fears and trust issues, or was it just me? Leading to fatal mistakes later on.
Looking back, I realized I did that a lot in relationships, testing people, like a petulant child doubting their parents love. Right. Pushing until they got annoyed and backed off. Dad. Carolyn. I tried with Sandburg a couple of times, but every time he surprised me, called my bluff and didnt give an inch.
I remember a conversation with Incacha, only a couple of nights before I left the Chopec. "You will find your destiny," hed said. Id always given Blair a hard time when he tried to get me to accept the mystic aspects of the Sentinel deal. Even though I respected Incacha a great deal, I didnt think of this as having any relevance for my life to come. He insisted, told me it had come to him as a vision.
Bitterly, I recalled his words a couple of times when, back in Cascade, my life seemed to be on a downward spiral. Jacks death. Divorcing Carolyn. That weird senses thing I didnt even remember experiencing ever before. And then, the only person promising to help - a hippie grad student that came across as extremely annoying, mostly because he just refused to be intimidated by me. You will find your destiny.
Annoying turned to mildly irritating to life-saving within a couple of minutes, and thats kind of where it stayed.
So were friends, still, again, and thats a relief, too, but I sometimes think if he knew the extent to which I need him, he would have run as far away as possible.
It isnt possible, not anymore, not with what he did. And somewhere in a dark, remote corner of my mind --
-- and hating myself for it, I am grateful.