'S2' missing scene. Why did we never get to hear what Blair answered when Jim said those fateful words? Beta'd by Xasphie and Lyn. Feedback is of course welcome.

Hopeless

By Demeter

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"Chief, I don't know if I'm ready to take that trip with you yet."

I'm stunned at hearing those words from Jim; //how dare you// I think, how can he deny the importance of this? 'This', whatever it was that happened, enabled us to cheat death - and he's not ready? Making lame jokes about meeting nurses, and back rent instead?

I'd like to get angry, but I don't exactly have the energy for it at the moment.

Not that it's even a big surprise; Jim has never been too comfortable with the mystical aspects of being a Sentinel, and now this shared vision that binds us together in a way that is irreversible... talk about fear-based responses, man! I can't analyze this now. Breathing hurts, and I'm tired, and I'm afraid of what all this means.

"Is that so," I say anyway. "Well, you might want to think about it. It's never good to ignore those visions." I wonder why he flinches, barely just so, at the comment. Not that Jim would tell me. There are still obstacles between us that haven't even been touched by the miracle of today. "Frankly, I'm really tired right now. We should talk some other time."

"Yeah." Jim seems relieved. Figures. "I'll be back. If you need anything..."

"Right. At the moment, I really need some sleep. So get out of here, man. And don't worry, you'll get your rent."

Listening to his retreating steps, it all comes down to me in a flash; I don't have a home to come back to as things are, and Jim hasn't said anything about it, so what does it mean, he won't ask me to come back? That moment, my anger dissolves into nothing; I just feel so very alone.

Like when Alex came to do what she felt she had to do, just a split-second before I started to argue with her, I wanted to say, //Come on bitch, get it over with and shoot me already!// I welcomed what she brought to me:

Death.

Because there was nothing left for me.

And now?

I couldn't wait to tell Jim about the vision; so amazed by the fact I finally had access to the blue-tinged spirit world he'd described before... and then it turns out he had *the same*, I just can't get over this, it is so... it is the real thing.

But he doesn't feel comfortable there with me, and that's like a slap in the face.

And still, we can't go on like all of this never happened. This is too big, I just can't figure it out on my own.

Why did I let Jim go, let him off so easily? If I said it aloud, //please come back//, he'd hear. At the most, he's reached the parking lot by now, I could... but that's exactly the point, isn't it. It's only going around in circles, nothing I can really do as long as he doesn't want to see the magnitude of what has occurred.

I'm caught up in a dizzying vortex of longing and fear - and what's worse, I can't shake the feeling that the worst is yet to happen.

The End