Notes: A friend of mine and I were discussing mpregs concluding that it was a genre we'd never write in. Yeah, right. Like the muse understands the meaning of 'never' - there were too many images in my head already, so I started writing, thinking, 'I am doing what?' Well, here it is. See for yourself, but be warned: I don't have kids and never intended to, so I wrote this the only way I can write a story about pregnancy - a horror story, elements, in any case, though I think they're rather mild. And, this is no slash story!

Thank you's: Lisa, for tons of research on male pregnancy and medical advice, and lots of beautiful art!!

Nat, for the great beta. Sending an unbetaed story off to a new beta is always scary, but you made it a great experience. Needless to say, your experience with the subject was invaluable.

Ines, for pointing out something that just wouldn't work before I would have made a fool of myself (-;

Warning: Read at your own caution - it is an Mpreg!

I really wrote this. Still hard to believe -- but here it is:

Blair's Baby

By Demeter

EMAIL: Demeter

The harsh lights gave him the feeling of being blind, but his other senses were still providing enough infomation as to the nightmare that was unfolding.

The metal table felt cold and uncomfortable under his bare back and buttocks, and he tried to wiggle away from the sensations - it was impossible, though, as he was firmly strapped down by his wrists and ankles, and another Velcro strap across his chest.

There was no escape.

No hope.

There were people in the room, quietly talking, nurses, doctors.

He tried to gain their attention, but couldn't speak, the fear at this realization crashing over him like a giant wave. What were they doing to him?

The doctor, clad in surgical scrubs, looked like he probably did at work every day, but this instant, his appearance had something evil to it.

He picked up a scalpel, let it hover over his patient's belly for a moment. Then the sharp tip bit into the skin and drew a crimson line...

"NO!"

~~~

With a tired sigh, Jim pushed back the covers and picked up his robe that he'd left lying on a chair beside the bed. Knowing he'd need it, if not tonight, then another. He walked down the stairs, aware of his own exhaustion, though he couldn't acknowledge it fully yet.

Not when Blair had these night terrors all the time, with neither of them having any idea of what to do about them. A few sessions with the department shrink hadn't done the trick, and chances were, the man was just as clueless.

Stepping into the room, he was practically hit with all the hopelessness practically radiating off his usually optimistic roommate.

"I'm sorry," Blair said, his voice cracking. "Go back to bed, I'm all right."

"No, you aren't."

"You're right, I'm not, but it's nothing we're going to solve tonight, so get some sleep, man."

At four a.m., this was a truly appealing prospect, but Jim was hesitant to leave yet. He sat down, on impulse reaching out a hand to touch Blair's forehead - which felt slightly warm, but that had more likely to do with him thrashing in the throes of the recurring nightmare than with a fever.

And then he froze.

There it was, that weird, impossible sensation again.

The way things were, Jim had become worried that either of them would lose his mind before the end of the month. Or both of them.

Lately, when the two of them were alone, he'd started to hear a third heartbeat.

~~~

The building had looked non-descript from the outside, like any other warehouse in the area. At first, Jim thought they had the wrong address, but then again, Sneaks was hardly ever wrong.

Jim had met him two days ago, that was as long as it had taken them to put a team together that was now going inside, carefully approaching the double door.

"I've got a bad feeling about this, Jim," Simon said beside him. This being the first real chance at finding Blair, the captain had wanted to join them. "It seems empty. Can you hear anything?"

Jim had reached out as far as he'd dared, which wasn't all that much these days. With Blair missing for more than a month, he'd been forced to decrease the use of his senses. Sure, he could do it, but it was a different situation from when he simply used them on a day Blair was spending at the university.

There was always the risk of a spike or a zone-out no one could bring him back from - a risk too high. He'd indulge in his own sensitivities when Blair was found, no sooner. And that was one thing he'd always been sure of, with a stubborn kind of certainty. They would find him.

And it was right now.

"Come on, Simon. I can hear his heartbeat."

The relief showed clearly on Simon's face. "That's good. Anything else?"

Jim shook his head. "No. They're gone. Let's bring the paramedics in. It's safe."

Deeper inside the building, the sights changed, and with them the atmosphere. It was startlingly clean, the walls all in the same stark white color that seemed to glow in the dusk. Some rooms still had furniture in them; looking like some kind of small hospital. Sneaks had said something creepy was going on there, people in white lab coats going about whatever it was they did.

At first, everybody had assumed it would be some kind of drug lab, but these rooms looked like they once had inhabited patients, and even further, it looked like a surgical area, with the table and the OP lights above it. Jim shuddered unwillingly.

"Creepy, isn't it?" Simon commented, and he could only nod. It had the feel of early psych wards, where the patients endured unspeakable abuse instead of getting cured of their diseases.

He quickened his stride, the need to close the last distance between him and Blair suddenly almost overwhelming. He needed to know what had happened, and why it had taken them a fucking month to get here.

There was a door at the end of the hallway, and he all but ran the last few steps, trying to yank it open. Locked, of course. He made short process of the lock with one shot.

"Blair!"

There was no reaction from the man sitting huddled in one corner of another sterile room, this one totally empty, with iron bars securing the only window. He was hugging his knees to his chest, rocking softly. Upon a closer look, Jim realized that he was dressed in a light blue hospital gown - and nothing else.

Jim crouched down, not touching yet. "Hey, Chief."

Blair flinched just barely, stopping the motion at the sound of a voice addressing him. He looked up slowly, disbelief on his face, but there was also recognition. It made Jim brave enough to reach out and touch a shoulder, the chilled skin feeling like ice under his sensitive fingers.

His senses were quite off the map, the heartbeats around him seeming to echo in the empty room with its high walls. Jim didn't care. The worst four weeks in his life had come to an end - Blair was alive, not visibly harmed. The nightmare that had haunted him the past few weeks ever since his friend hadn't returned from the meeting at the university, was finally over.

"The paramedic's right outside the door; we'll get you out of here in no time. Can you stand?"

"Jim." The tone of the whisper was still colored in disbelief, and fear of hope betrayed.

The realization hit Jim hard. After all this time, in which God knew what had happened, the doubts of ever being rescued had to have gained the upper hand. "I'm sorry it took us so long." He kept his voice low and comforting, for his own benefit as well. The voices around him echoed too loudly within the white walls.

"It's... cold. Can we -- can we go home?"

"Of course we can. Come on."

When he reached out a hand, Blair willingly went, but his knees were shaking so hard that Jim gave in to what was as much his own need and pulled him close, almost completely supporting the other man's weight. The closeness satisfied something very primal in the Sentinel, whereas the detective was already trying to piece the puzzle together - what had been going on here for all those weeks?

And while Blair seemed mostly coherent, Jim wasn't fooled; he could perceive the smell faint of drugs he'd come to associate with all hospitals and some crime scenes, and Blair was too subdued for his liking.

"Cold," Blair whispered again, startling Jim out of his musings.

"Okay, now let's change that."

~~~

The Forensics team hadn't turned up anything that suggested a crime having taken place, and yet the place practically screamed it, an atmosphere of wrongness that was almost palpable. It was taking his breath away, and Jim greedily sucked in the cold night air, glad to leave the building.

Blair now shivered violently, despite the heavy blanket the paramedics had used to cover him up. He was just now being carried out on a gurney, still eerily quiet, eyes still fixating on Jim like he couldn't quite believe them.

The need for touch almost compulsive, Jim had traced his fingers over Blair's wrist, very aware of the traces left by restraints. "See you at the hospital, Chief. We'll get you checked out, and if the doc says it's okay, we'll go home." And if not, I'll be looking at an uncomfortable night, but that's a small price to pay.

Blair gave him the ghost of a smile before he was being hefted into the ambulance. "Thanks, man," he said for only Jim to overhear, when the door had already closed.

~~~

Physically, Blair was all right, if a little underweight, Dr. Travis explained. He didn't remember anything but shadowy, vague images about the time he was taken, about white-clad people, but that was most likely the after-effect of yet unknown drugs. Whatever results she could come up with at the moment, had been good, and the only visible injury was a cut on his belly, but he couldn't say how and when he'd obtained it.

Jim frowned at that information, remembering Sneaks' words about 'creepy folks in lab coats'. What was their agenda? Why Blair?

"Four weeks? That sounds like the setup of a Stephen King novel." Blair, a little more lucid now, shook his head.

His attempt at trying to make a joke was brave, but Jim could tell he was just as creeped out as everybody else. Who wouldn't be? The thought of the white room still gave him the shivers. "We'll figure it out, Chief."

"Yeah, but not tonight. I'm beat, and you look like it, too, so go home. I'll be fine."

"Not a chance in hell. I've convinced the nice doctor to put a cot into the room and I intend to use it."

The grateful smile Blair gave him, and the way his heartbeat settled, was all the affirmation Jim had needed.

~~~

They had taken something out of that place home with them. Days were manageable, but every night, an experience that stayed vague, but nevertheless frightening, came back to Blair in twisted fragments. In the aftermath of these terrors, he'd need a long time to assure himself of his safer reality; to speak and move.

It was worse the longer he'd spend caught up in that netherworld, so Jim had taken to sleeping on the couch for some nights, so he could wake him as soon his senses picked up the first indicators, a hitched breath, a mumbled protest.

It wasn't enough.

~~~

Jim drew his hand back, reluctant to break the contact. "Let's go see a doctor tomorrow," he suggested.

Blair looked doubtful. "What could he do? I just don't remember. Those dreams will fade."

"It's almost been six weeks, and they haven't faded." And I keep hearing something that isn't there. Looks like I'm the one who needs the doctor. "You need to have a regular sleep pattern again."

"No kidding, man." The longing in his voice was unmistakable.

"So, first thing in the morning?"

"Okay. Let me try to sleep now?"

~~~

Blair was nervous. So was Jim, because he'd been hearing that sound non-stop now, still trying to fool himself into thinking it could be some weird, accelerated echo, because it wasn't the same rhythm as Blair's, but much faster. Getting Blair to see a doctor could only solve half the problem, at the most.

Sighing to himself, Jim thought that he'd have to confess about the strange occurence. As Sentinel experts went, there wasn't much of a choice, because as it seemed, there was no one else but Blair available.

It wasn't that Jim didn't trust him, but he sometimes felt a little uncomfortable about giving so many details away - his own paranoia.

He listenend consciously again, almost zoning on the sound that seemed like a premonition, telling him something he should decipher - if only he knew how.

~~~

"I don't know, I--" He couldn't very well tell this to the doctor, could he? A second heartbeat... Jim was quite sure that she'd send him to the staff psychiatrist. Blair was looking at him too, as if he expected Jim to have an answer. Sorry, Chief, haven't got a clue.

"Just do a thorough check, okay? I'm not sure, maybe it's stomach problems, how about you do an ultrasound or--"

"Jim. How about you wait outside for just a few minutes while I check on Blair?"

"It's-- I mean I don't mind if he stays." Blair sounded a bit unsure now, but the doctor was adamant.

"I'm sure, but I prefer to provide patient's confidentialty. If you want to share anything later that's up to you then."

"Okay." It would be hard not to listen in, but they were both so freaked out lately, Jim had no doubt that Blair would tell him the truth. They had to go somewhere from here, anything had to be better than the status quo -- and still he was harboring a vague fear that had to do with Sneaks' description of the people that had been seen in the warehouse. They sounded like mad scientists - experimenting with dangerous substances? Viruses? Who knew?

He kept pacing outside the hallway, trying *not* to concentrate on the words spoken inside. He'd thought Blair was a heart-wrenching sight this morning, exhausted, bloodshot eyes, but when he took a look at his own reflection in a glass door, Jim acknowledged wryly that he wasn't too far behind.

Closure, that's what they needed badly. Maybe he could ask Simon for a few days off; some time in the wilderness, no phone, no TV, sounded like heaven, at a moment. And he'd hang a dream catcher beside both of their beds.

~~~

"Don't worry. It doesn't hurt."

For an instant, Blair had the impulse to snap at her for talking to him like a frightened child, but he had to grudgingly admit that it might be the impression people got of him lately. Since the abduction. Frightened didn't even begin to cover it, terrified half to death was more like it, which had everthing to do with the nightmares that kept intruding into his waking hours, too.

Those weeks were nothing but one big blur, voices talking softly, darkened rooms, gentle touches -- the dreams, however, were of pain and harsh light. A puzzle that didn't fit together.

And when did Jim get his medical degree? Dr. Travis was indeed preparing an ultrasound scan. Had Sentinel senses turned up something no one else knew yet? Was that why Jim had insisted on seeing the doctor?

Blair felt his hearbeat speed up uncomfortably before the doctor frowned and said, "Well, this is strange."

Strange as in what?

"Actually, it's quite impossible."

"You're going to tell me or not?" Blair asked, making no attempt of masking his annoyance. "Am I sick?"

"No, no, I wouldn't say." Dr. Travis was a little pale now. "The last time you said you were abducted, couldn't remember what happened during that time, is that right? You still don't remember?"

"No, I don't, and I don't get what it's got to do with this. So let's get it over with, shall we?"

She looked at the screen again, then turned back to him. "I'll have another colleague take a look at this, because... I don't know how to say this. According to the ultrasound, Blair, you're pregnant."

~~~

When Blair's heartbeat went through the roof, Jim jumped also, his hand on the door the next moment, but he refrained himself from bursting into the room when he heard Blair laugh disbelievingly. Okay, it couldn't be that bad, could it?

He could-- wait-- a few more minutes. Jim took a deep breath and walked back to the uncomfortable chair. In a short while, hopefully, he'd be the wiser.

~~~

"Come on, Doc, April Fool's Day is long gone. I can't believe this..." Blair laughed uneasily. "How could you even... never mind. If that is all the diagnosis you can come up with, then asking a colleague for their opinion sounds like a good idea."

Calmer now, Dr. Travis said, "I can understand you're upset about this. I imagine, any man would be; hell, anyone, considering there must be a connection to the time you were missing. But it's true, there's a fetus inside of here." She laid her gloved hand lightly over his belly.

Blair felt the blood drain from his face, as her words were sinking in. It was impossible. It couldn't be, crazy, unnatural... one of these nightmares.

But the image didn't waver, even when he pinched his arm deftly. "Oh shit."

Dr. Travis smiled. "I'd thought about that myself. Look, I'm going to call Dr. Linton, our gynecologist, and see what he says, then Jim can come in and we can talk, okay?"

"Whatever," Blair mumbled, trying not to let it show he was shaking, almost hard enough to make his teeth chatter. This was just too much. The ultrasound didn't lie or invent things. It would identify a fetus, even in a place where it didn't belong.

As the doctor talked on the phone in short, clipped sentences, "... then do me a favor, Tim, and skip your lunch break. I'm telling you when you get here."

He reached out to place his own hand where Dr. Travis' had been moments ago. Wondering if Jim could feel it. Wondering if he was losing his mind.

Then he groaned. Was that why Jim had been so on the edge all the time, because he could hear a sound that no machine could, yet?

~~~

After yet another while, a doctor came out of the room that Jim hadn't seen going in, something he found quite suspicious. There had to be another entrance, but why --

Before he could finish the thought, though, Dr. Travis appeared, smiling a bit tightly.

"Come in. And better sit down."

This couldn't be so bad if she was still somewhat joking about it, right?

He searched Blair's gaze, but the only reaction was a blush, and him looking away. What the hell was going on?

"No one has expected this," Travis began, "and truth be told, I'm still baffled. So is Dr. Linton, who you just saw, not to mention the patient. You've got to understand that this is no joke. Blair isn't sick, but I wouldn't say there isn't a problem. Whatever they had on their crazy minds, the people who abducted him, implanted a fetus in his abdominal cavity."

The sound! The realization slammed into his mind, even though rationally, Jim wasn't ready to believe it yet.

"In short," Blair provided helpfully, still not looking up, "I'm having a baby."

"This isn't funny!"

"You're damn right, Jim, it isn't." Finally, Blair was looking at him, his eyes blazing with anger. "In fact, it's a nightmare. This is -- something living, growing inside of me!"

"My God," the words were out of Jim's mouth before he could stop them.

"Somehow I doubt He had much to do with it."

"But, Chief, this is --" There were no words for this. He just stepped forward, laying a hand on Blair's shoulder. "Okay. We're going to have to deal with this somehow. What *can* we ever do?" he asked, directed at the doctor, but he hadn't missed Blair's small smile at his use of 'we'.

Dr. Travis straightened her shoulders. "Normally, the operation can be done in an outpatient setting; however, I'd like you to stay overnight just in case there'll be any complications. I'm not saying that there have to be any. And I--"

"Wait a minute. You-- you said it's a fetus, right? It's alive."

The doctor sighed. "Theoretically - yes."

"So there's a chance it could develop normally?"

Where was he going? Oh no, Jim didn't really need to ask, because stumbling from one shock into the next, he just knew. Just when had they entered the Twilight Zone here? This experiment was as criminal as it was dangerous; it had been forced on Blair. He couldn't think...

"As you can imagine, I can't give you any guarantee here. It's obvious that there are no statistics, no comparative data. Offhand, I guess it's risky, but possible. But I'm warning you, even if it worked out, this--" She took a deep breath. "This pregnancy was forced on you, and that's never easy on a person."

"I know. But--" Blair shrugged helplessly. "I can't explain it, it just feels wrong. I didn't ask for this, sure, but... this sounds stupid. I just think this baby isn't to blame for the mad people who actually created it, you know?"

"But there is no baby yet, Chief!" Maybe what he'd feared had come true now, and he had really lost his mind. Or maybe Blair had. No baby yet.

"So what do you want me to do, huh? Forget I asked. This is not your decision, Jim."

"You're so sure you can make it?" Jim shot back. "Come on, doc," he said, "I'm sure you agree with me here. This is not a good moment to write history in medicine, right? Help me out here, this is not going to happen."

Already, he could feel a massive headache building behind his temples. It wasn't like he knew all that much about pregnancy from a medical point of view anyway, but he was damn sure about one thing -- women's bodies, whether they chose to act on it or not, were biologically prepared to carry children. Men's bodies were not.

"Jim, that's Blair's choice," Dr. Travis said softly. "One that can't be made in a heartbeat, I guess. The pregnancy isn't very far advanced, so you still have some time. I'd like to do a couple of more tests, and also some research. Maybe we can meet again in a week and you tell me your decision then?" She shook her head. "I'd usually suggest some counseling, but honestly, I'm not sure if that would be a good idea... Just take your time on this, okay?"

Jim looked from the doctor to Blair who was casting him a pleading gaze, of the kind he always had to capitulate when faced with it.

This morning, he'd vowed he'd support his friend whatever the result of this visit. And he would, in the end, it wasn't much of a question, and still... Jim couldn't help the feeling that the nightmares had finally come alive.

"All right. Some more tests," he said.

~~~

When they could finally leave the clinic, Blair felt like crawling into bed again. He was beyond exhausted, and, he assumed, probably in massive denial about what had just happened.

Sitting next to Jim as they drove through the city of Cascade seemed very normal, but then his thoughts wandered back to the discovery of the fetus, and reality shifted again to something unsettling and absurd.

Absurd to be -- say it! Pregnant. Having a baby. He cast a look at Jim who had been, except for the initial freaking, very calm about it. Probably in denial as well.

One question answered - another bunch raised. Why would anybody do that? No, scratch that, surely it had to be a subject intriguing to scientists, but why do it under such circumstances? Surely there would have been subjects willing to...

And then the images of the dream rushed back to him, the surgeon, the scalpel...

"Jim! Stop right here, please!"

He almost didn't make it across the street, to the dumpster, in time.

When he was done retching, he turned to see Jim standing behind him, offering a paper napkin, which Blair gratefully accepted.

"I thought that was supposed to begin much later," Jim said.

Since Blair didn't know how to answer that, he said nothing.

~~~

Jim had thought that once the source of the strange sound was discovered, everything would fall into place -- an idle wish. So it was a heartbeat all right - and his senses were freakingly accurate, because it would be a while yet before the fetal heartbeat could be heard with the help of an amplification instrument. He had no such limitations.

While Blair had chosen to take a nap in his room -- dinner certainly didn't sound appealing to him -- Jim sat in the living room, puzzling over the riddle that had been forced on them.

He was glad, so damn grateful that Blair had been found alive, a high-risk pregnancy notwithstanding, but the perpetrators remained in the shadows, their agenda unclear. The equipment left behind at the 'clinic' could be traced to a store for hospital supply and equipment, paid by a man named Alan Parker, which was no doubt an alias. He was a phantom.

Other than that, they had plain nothing.

And now, this case had taken a turn that they couldn't even share with anyone -- well, Simon would have to know eventually, because there was no way they could pull this off here in Cascade...

Jim leaned against the backrest of the couch with a sigh.

Blair was rather determined to go through with it, but Jim wasn't too sure if he really knew what he was getting himself into. Hell if I know. It seemed much too dangerous, unnatural, even though the word made Jim cringe, hitting too close to home for someone who'd feared to be called a freak for the better part of his life.

He simply couldn't wrap his mind around the concept, imagine that an embryo would survive long enough to come into the world as a sane, healthy baby. If it did - well, then the worst would be behind them, and they could move back to Cascade, telling the world that it belonged to an ex-girlfriend who'd called it quits.

To himself, Jim shook his head. How stupid to think that *anything* could ever be normal again.

He had to admit, though, that the ending of the pregnancy probably would have caused just as many complications.

~~~

It wasn't dawn yet, the morning enveloping him in a dark, soft, post-dream haze. Awake... not? Not yet entirely conscious, Jim turned over in bed, wondering what had caused this weird nightmare of Blair being...

Pregnant?!

Jim bolted upright in his bed, and then remembered. It wasn't a dream.

~~~

How easy it seemed to pretend. It was boggling the mind, really. On the other hand, Blair mused as he set the table while Jim was in the shower, he'd done it for several weeks now. Of course, you couldn't do an operation like this to anyone without leaving any traces. He'd seen the scar, and had forced himself not to wonder where it came from. The docs had given him the all clear.

Nothing bad happened during the abduction, even though he couldn't remember any of it.

Nothing but...

Jim didn't mention anything when they sat down to have breakfast minutes later, except Blair was aware of the Sentinel scrutiny. Maybe Jim felt even better about it now that he knew the source of... Well. Maybe, if they didn't talk about it, 'it' would just go away? Which I claimed wasn't what I wanted.

What do I want, then?

Life before that shadowy abduction, that was a good point. When he'd had his body to his own. No. He couldn't go there now, Blair decided, because he would have to ask himself what this being kept under for most of the time would have done to the... the -- baby. Dr. Travis had said there was a chance... but yesterday, she'd been just as clueless.

Jim gave him that look, the one that indicated he had picked up the rise of Blair's heart rate, just like whenever he thought about that subject.

"I'm okay, really," Blair said hastily, wanting to avoid a certain set of words to be spoken. Like, baby. He felt himself breaking into a sweat with the need to find a distraction. "We need some groceries, don't we? Why not go right now - more of the weekend left that way."

"I was just going to suggest that, Chief."

The intense gaze on him made Blair uncomfortable, another unwelcome term popping up in his mind: Lab rat.

Who am I now?

He shuddered involuntarily, but straightened his shoulders. "Right. Let's clear the table and then go."

~~~

Jim didn't think he'd ever seen so many pregnant women shopping on a Saturday morning. And while Blair seemed almost eerily calm today, there was something building up inside of him, a not so distant memory, an anxiety.

Maybe it was techically possible for men to have children that way, but he didn't want Blair to be the premier of this experiment.

Like some intuitive knowledge that told him it couldn't be, something horrible would happen -- and then he wondered if maybe it was his Catholic upbringing that was interfering here, or worse, one of those very accurate Sentinel instincts. There couldn't be coming anything good out of this.

As he was browsing the aisles, vaguely aware of Blair's whereabouts at any time, even the products on the shelves seemed to mock him. Milk. Baby food. The picture of a baby on the carton of a box of washing powder.

Shuddering, Jim reminded himself that he had one week to talk Blair out of this insanity.

~~~

"... this afternoon?"

"Excuse me?"

Blair knew that Jim's gaze was now following his, seeing what had caught his attention. A young family with a toddler, the couple so obviously in love it hurt. Two women and a child. Okay, they were probably not following the traditional lines, but they had chosen.

In about two years, that could be me and Jim, minus the being in love part, he thought, forcing back a hysterical chuckle. Oh man, get a grip. The girl would at least grow up with the certainty that she'd been wanted, that her Moms were willing to fight prejudice in order to have her, and she'd be proud of it.

Whereas--

Was he really as brave as he'd acted at Dr. Travis'? If there was a baby, there'd be a person someday wanting to know about his or her origin. He'd never be able to tell the truth.

"Blair? I asked if you had plans for today?"

He forced himself to tear his gaze away. "Not really. I have, like a ton of tests to grade though, and some to read; I might just use the time."

And how can you be sure that's really a baby that's inside of you?

The surroundings vanished in a dizzying blur, and all he saw was that surgeon's hand again, the steel instrument opening up his belly to --

He was kind of grateful when consciousness vanished altogether.

~~~

In the manager's office, a cool glass of water before him, Blair felt mortified. Hell, he'd survived a month of captivity, came back relatively sane save for the nightmares, and now --

He felt sorry for Jim, too, who hadn't asked for this, the dark secret that bound them together now, separating them from any resemblance of a normal, real life. Welcome to my tale of horror...

"I'm sorry," he said aloud. "I didn't mean to --"

The manager, a guy not much older than himself in a grey suit, smiled pleasantly. "It's no problem, Mr. Sandburg. Detective Ellison here told me you are recovering from quite a traumatic experience. Glad to hear though the doctor said you're all right."

I wouldn't say.

"Thanks," he managed. "I think I'd like to go home now."

"Sure, Chief." As they left the office, Jim put an arm around his shoulders casually, and while a little steadying was certainly a good idea, Blair couldn't help but think this was ridiculous.

He'd avoided any research so far, couldn't really approach the whole idea that close yet - but this thing had been lasting for only a few weeks now - if he was freaking already, what would it be like in, say, six months?

A small voice inside was still insisting that this was a nightmare he'd wake up from any minute now.

Men couldn't get pregnant.

~~~

In the afternoon, Rafe called to remind them of tonight's poker game, and just for a moment, Jim thought about canceling, but that wasn't such a good idea when they hadn't got any cover story ready yet. He could just about imagine their co-workers faces - not.

One week.

Maybe it was a good idea to try and to not obsess for just one day?

"Don't zone," Blair said without looking up from the papers he was reading, and Jim chuckled.

"How do you know?"

"I know you." Blair laid the papers aside with a sigh. "Hell, this stuff is making me zone. I try to remember when I told them to write the most boring essay of the century!"

"Isn't that a bit harsh?"

Blair held out the papers to him. "Want to help?"

The banter felt good, natural, something they'd missed for a long time. Maybe it wasn't all so bad after all. It wasn't like their everyday life had drastically changed; there were still cozy Saturday aftenoons and poker games - and paperwork, for sure - and in one week, all would go back to normal.

"Hell, no. I sure wouldn't know the difference."

Blair smiled to himself and went back to work.

They'd be fine.

~~~

The sound cut like a knife through the atmosphere that had been carefree and relaxed all evening. It was a usual poker night, held at Rafe's apartment this time, cops forgetting about the less pleasant aspects of their day job for a few hours. Nobody had mentioned Blair's abduction so far, the fortunate end had been about six weeks ago, after all, and for the others, everyday life had taken over again.

Jim had hoped for that effect, too, but they shouldn't be so lucky.

When Blair got up and excused himself, Simon groaned. "Good idea. Any more, and I feel like I'm financing you right into tenureship!"

Blair grinned at that. "Yeah, well, what's a starving grad student to do?"

Another good point, Jim thought. Not that Blair was actually starving, that much was for sure, but his financial situation wasn't exactly a perfect foundation for starting a family. He was rather proud of managing a rational approach finally, think of the things you'd consider if this was for real.

A few minutes later, he hadn't returned from the bathroom, and Jim extended his hearing to meet the sounds of -- two heartbeats, that was a given - and crying. Oh, Chief.

He got up as well, not bothering with any excuse. These folks were more than accustomed to some weirdness where he and Sandburg were concerned, and they'd be just as happy without an explanation as they were with one.

It wasn't the bathroom, but the kitchen where he found Blair, leaning against the fridge, trembling with the effort to hold back the tears. He'd been so determined, and probably the reality of what had happened was only just now catching up with him. Jim could sympathize.

He closed the door softly behind him. "Hey. Should we call it a night?" He walked closer, reaching out a hand to touch Blair's shoulder. There was no answer for what seemed a long while, and Jim, uncomfortable with the silence, said the only thing that came to mind. "I'm so sorry."

Four fucking weeks. He should have been able to end this before they used his friend for their damned experiment. Should have done something.

"It's not your fault," Blair finally said, the tone of his voice revealing absolute desolation. "I-- I'm just not sure if I can do it. I don't know what to do!"

Maybe I know. And then our lives will be back to normal again.

"Let's see if we can get an earlier appointment with Dr. Travis. This can't wait any longer."

"I feel like a coward!" There was anger in the mix, too, but Blair let himself be drawn into an embrace without any resistance.

"You're not. Believe me, you're not."

Maybe the alcohol was to blame, or the fact that this crime was something neither of them could have ever expected, but Jim found the closeness was stirring something inside him that was, to say the least, unsettling. Too much, too sentimental. He had never once broken down during those four weeks when there was no sign of life. He'd done his job. And now?

All had turned out well, but he wasn't about to lose Blair now to an -- experiment. No way.

"Hell," Blair sniffled with a half laugh, "the way things are, I shouldn't have even had that beer."

"Let's see the Doc on Monday. She's going to tell us whether you're going to have to change your diet or not."

He could see in Blair's gaze that he knew exactly what Jim was still hoping, but much to his credit, he didn't mention it. Instead, he leaned into the embrace once more with a tired sigh.

"Just a moment, okay?" he whispered.

"You're welcome."

~~~

"This is going to be the breakthough," the voice whispered, and despite the excitement, he could hear the malice in it. Or maybe not hear it, *feel* it.

He struggled desperately against the hold of too many hands. "You're insane!"

"Maybe," the man acknowledged. "And brilliant. Now let's get this show on the road."

"No--" There was no dignity in trying to fight them off in nothing but a hospital gown, and he couldn't have succeeded anyway, as they forced him down on the table, put the restraints in place, a mask over his face.

Robbed of any chance to defend himself, to evade, he had no defense against the panic attack that was washing over him. Gloved hands belonging to an unseen person held his head. The man in charge smiled, stroking the tears from his face with a thumb. "Just relax. It's going to be amazing."

The hopelessness of the situation simply overwhelmed him, the room starting to blur before his eyes and then disappear into black.

~~~

Maybe the nightmares would leave him alone once he had come to terms with the situation as it was, Blair thought dejectedly, huddling deeper into his jacket. It had been cold and rainy ever since he came to in the empty room, disoriented, frightened, all by himself. Not that the weather was actually a surprise for Cascade, but it only served to weigh him down further.

To be honest, what he wanted most for the time being was to curl up in his bed and forget the world outside existed at all, but he had to admit that Jim had a point about getting an earlier appointment. He needed to know if there was any chance that he could bring a healthy baby into the world. If not... he didn't want to think too hard about either alternative.

They sat in silence for a moment, after Jim had parked the truck in the hospital's parking lot, both of them occupied with their respective thoughts.

"I'm with you here, Chief. Whatever you decide," Jim finally said, and Blair thought that they were acting like two frightened teenagers, unable to oversee the consequences of their actions in an adult world.

He forced a smile, his hand unconsciously going to his belly, trying to feel the life inside that was unaware of the evil of its creators.

"Thank you."

~~~

"I must admit this hasn't quite left me alone over the weekend either." Dr. Travis shrugged a bit self-consciously. "Well, it's not like anything like this ever occurred in my practice... anyway." She had called Dr. Linton to join in.

"We took a good, hard look at the test results, and the good news is that these people were no amateurs. Everything looks..." She coughed. "Normal. We also stumbled across something that has us puzzled, but about that, later. So far, Blair, both you and the fetus are healthy. Whatever drugs you've been given during your abduction, don't seem to have had any negative effects."

Jim didn't like the direction in which this conversation was going. "You said 'the good news'. So there is some bad, too?"

Blair was rolling his eyes, but his rapid heartbeat betrayed the nonchalant act.

Dr. Travis nodded solemnly. "You ever heard of the term 'ectopic pregnancy'?" Obviously not having expected a 'yes', she continued. "We refer to that when the fertilized egg has implanted outside the, um, uterus, mostly in the fallopian tubes, sometimes the cervix or the abdomen. Bottom line, it's a place with less space for the fetus to develop, and there's the danger of severe bleeding as it grows. The reports say it is possible, though high risk for the moth-- the person," she corrected herself hastily.

"As for pregnancy in men, most articles say that it is possible in theory, but of course, no can say for sure. The baby, if we ever get that far, would have to be delivered with a C-section. Here, we have another problem - the removal of the placenta is likely to cause massive hemorrhage."

It was silent in the room, but not. The heartbeat of each occupant in the room was beating fast at the picture she was drawing for them; a picture he didn't ever want to become reality. "So it's understood," Jim said. "This needs to end right here."

"Did you even listen to what she said?"

"High risk, Chief, that's all I need to know. Hell, you can't be in your right mind. Do you have a death wish?"

"I can't kill it!"

Blair's obvious despair was hard to take, but there wasn't any room, any second-guessing in this. No life for another life.

"Right, I see." Jim shook his head with a mirthless laugh. "Now you're saying all women who have an abortion are killers?"

"It's not what I'm saying, damn it! You know, I once accompanied a friend of mine, because her ex-boyfriend was too chicken ass to do it. I don't think any woman takes this choice lightly, and that's my point here. I choose, Jim.Remember what you promised?"

"I don't want to lose you." If he was begging, Jim didn't care much, regardless of their audience. It was his last card to play.

"Listen, gentlemen," Dr. Linton spoke up, "this is every bit a dilemma for us as it is for you. We don't really have the right to make that decision for you, but you can be sure, everyone will understand if you choose to end what's going to be a difficult, and, as we've heard, risky process. We can, however, offer you close supervision and discretion, after all, the basic idea of it remains the same."

"Thank you." Blair nodded to the doctor. "Jim, please listen to me."

Jim turned away from the imploring look.

"Maybe it was a bit harsh what I said. Come on, man, you've got to know I'm not one of those bloody right-wing fanaticals."

Yes, I know. The mere idea of Blair Sandburg as a 'bloody right-wing fanatical' was ridiculous, at best. "So?"

"I don't know, I -- I just have this feeling. That it would be a big mistake."

Jim turned to him again, barely able to contain the anger he felt, an inefficient mask of the naked fear behind. "Fine. How about I have the feeling that trying to continue this - insanity - would be a big mistake?"

"I need your help in this."

There was nothing he could do, no defense against this plea, and still Jim felt like it was a stranger taking over his body who finally said, "You're right. I promised."

"Good," Dr. Travis said. "Now, there's something else I'd like to talk to you about."

~~~

There was no going back anymore. Nine, no, wait, about eight months from now, he would deliver a real, living baby. A freaking sensation. The idea made him somewhat dizzy, literally, and emotionally, because despite all the worries and fears he hadn't counted in the giddy feeling that was bubbling up inside.

Not even all the risks being counted by the doctors could drown it out - there was a chance. It could be done. Scary, dangerous, but possible. Wow.

"The perpetrators were never found, you said?" Dr. Travis asked. "Dr. Linton and I have found something that might be interesting in that regard. Blair, we found an unusually high concentration of female hormones in your blood. According to the scientists who are speculating on male pregnancy, this would have to be done to prepare a male body for the pregancy. However, treatment would have to be, and obviously has, started weeks before the implant. Which means, before you were abducted."

"How can that be?" he asked, confused, and Jim looked a bit puzzled, too.

"I'm asking you," the doctor returned. "Prior to the day you were taken, try to remember who had access to what you ate and drank, and if there was anything unusal. The way to take those hormones would be orally, so my guess is that somebody must have regularly spiked your food."

"Don't look at me that way," Jim said. "If I wanted a kid, I guess there would have been other ways."

Blair couldn't even begin to say how grateful he was for that silly crack, because they had to laugh, and the doctors smiled, too, and the heavy veil of doom hanging over them all the time, lifted some. There was no exotic, deadly disease or anything they had put into his body. Just -- a baby. No baby yet, granted, but there would be.

"Seriously," Dr. Travis said after a few moments, "I'd suggest you think about this; it might help your case. In addition to that, I'd like to run a DNA test, just to be sure."

This time, Jim didn't comment, but Blair could almost tell the words that were on the tip of his tongue.

Anyway, the kidnappers wouldn't have taken too many chances here, so the DNA proably belonged to an unknown woman and man.

~~~

There wasn't much time to dwell on the outcome as they had to go back to the station. Already, Simon had been asking concerned questions, so they had to lay low, having decided that for now, there would be no more initiates.

Not that they'd be able to keep him out of the loop forever, but for now, they needed that time to come to terms with what was going on themselves.

And they still needed to find the perpetrators.

It would take a while until they got the results of the DNA test, even if Dr. Travis had promised to put a rush on it - time to prepare everything for a carefully scheduled escape from Cascade. Blair had probably not considered this yet, but there was only so much time in which he could still come to the station and work at the university.

Pregnancy leave? Jim snorted at that, even though inside, he still felt all jittery and nervous. He'd hoped the outcome of this visit at the hospital to be a different one. Regardless of the consequences, Blair was hell-bent to see the pregnancy to a good end. What if that didn't happen anyway?

Blair just returned from Rafe's desk where he had been talking to the other man, and Jim forced himself to push those dire thoughts aside, for as long as that could last. No point in going down that road already.

~~~

"What? You're saying I need to spend the next eight months or so locked up somewhere?"

Even the mere words, the images they conjured, made his heart clench in panicked disbelief. This was Jim he was talking to, not one of the mad scientists who had brought this on him, but still...

Was that what his friend thought of him now, a monstrosity to hide behind closed doors? It wasn't like you could see anything yet.

"Chief, would you calm down," Jim told him firmly. "I never said anything like that, just that... you heard the doctor, what she said about the risks. I don't want any clueless idiot to add to the stress you're going to be exposed to anyway. We don't need that."

Blair took a deep breath, trying to get a grip enough so he could actually follow Jim's line of thought. "So what's your conclusion?"

"I think we have a little time before it shows. Then... come on, don't tell me you haven't thought of it! It would be best if we went away for a while. Come back and tell anyone it's the kid of an either irresponsible or late girlfriend."

"You think it's going to be that easy?"

"You've made a decision," Jim stated. "I respect it. So we're going to have to deal with the consequences."

There was still a 'we' in all of this. Blair felt his eyes grow bright, but he pushed back the sentiment. It would have been too much of a pregnancy cliche.

~~~

The metamorphosis of Blair's body was still boggling the mind. An unsuspecting observer wouldn't really see anything yet, but Jim imagined that he could, see the the yet very slight curving, indicating that inside, a life was developing, heartbeat growing stronger.

They had an ultrasound picture now, and during the last appointment, Dr. Travis had used the Doppler instrument with which you could hear the fetal heartbeat even with 'normal' human hearing.

Blair's expression had been somewhere between panic and awe. Jim suspected that this state of mind would last a bit longer.

He found that he couldn't just relax himself, too much still uncertain, in the future, and what had made the perps choose Blair anyway?

~~~

They were close to leaving Cascade, having settled most of their affairs already except for the confession to Simon. There was a fully furnitured house rented in an area rural enough as not to have any unwelcome questions asked, but still close enough so they could get to the hospital in time when the moment arrived.

The DNA test results were due to arrive any day now, the level of stress in both of them rising again, as they still hadn't talked to Simon, and neither of them really knew how.

Blair still resented the idea of reclusion, but he had to admit that he didn't have any better idea -- he didn't want people to stare at him, and that would be inevitable at some point. Hard enough to try and hide from Jim that he was sleeping badly all the time, shady nightmares reoccurring every now and then.

And he was beginning to find out that some of the cliches weren't just cliches - he could have done without the mood swings, hoping that everything would be fine one moment, expecting disaster the next.

The morning sickness had come early, but Dr. Travis had said that there was no reason to worry so far.

Easy for her to say, he thought wryly, as he once again clung to the toilet bowl with shaking, sweaty hands, barely able to keep himself upright. Hoping he wouldn't wake Jim, as it was Saturday morning - knowing it was a lost cause.

Jim was just being Jim, 'and if I'm being freaked, I'm not going to talk about it'; and still.... Blair was incredibly grateful for all the support; he surely hadn't known how to deal with this situation all alone, but he couldn't deny Jim was going through some weird period, too.

He had made his opinion on the subject very clear, but there was something about him lately... he seemed to have cranked up those protective instincts, and maybe Blair was fooling himself, but he thought it seemed to extend to the baby, too, which was reassuring.

Another wave of sickness gripped him, and all thoughts fled again, as he continued to retch, until black spots started to compromise his vision.

Finally, a warm hand descended on his back, rubbing gently, while the other held his hair back. "You should have woken me," Jim chided.

"No chance, man," Blair gasped as the cramps began to ease eventually. "I was -- lucky enough to get here in time."

Jim's hands stilled for a moment, and he said, "We have to talk to Simon."

This self-evident statement destroyed any illusion of normalcy of their situation. Hell, life had been weird ever since they'd met, and between the two of them, they had somehow handled it so far.

Telling it to somebody else, who was not a doctor, would even further manifest it, and while Simon had put up with a lot where Jim and Blair where concerned, this was an entirely different matter.

"How did it go with Eli?"

Blair was meaning to laugh, but with his emotions so off the scale as they were lately, the sound came out all wrong. "Piece of cake. He actually thinks it's a brilliant idea to finally finish my dissertation. Said if I'm really done by the end of the year, it's perfect."

"Good. Think you can get up now?"

His knees were still shaking, but at least they did hold him up. It was a bright and sunny day today, but somehow, he had stopped being able to appreciate such mundane things. There was no way of saying if he actually did finish the dissertation, once his life's dream, within this time.

Like moths to a flame, his thoughts circled around what had been done to him, and a pieces of that dark place pierced his consciousness like shards whenever he tried to tell himself it would all work out.

"Thanks. I'm going to clean up a bit."

"You do that. Think you can handle a coffee and some toast?"

The division of roles, subtly present, had already taken place. Jim was acting too damn much like a concerned father-to-be, it was -- disconcerting. Frightening. Ridiculous.

"Let's try," Blair said, wondering how he was going to approach that subject.

~~~

"Jim! Come in. What's the matter?"

Simon held out a steaming mug with coffee, and Jim thought about declining for a moment. He was wired enough these days, even without the extra caffeine. He felt Simon's probing gaze on him. Stalling a little, he began, "We still haven't got anything to determine who held Sandburg in that creepy house..."

"Right. I'm afraid we never will, but that was not why you came, Jim, right?"

Jim stared into their reflections in the window for a long time.

"Simon, there's a problem."

"I suspected as much," the captain said calmly. "Those were damn long four weeks, for either of us. Is Sandburg doing okay? He hasn't been in much."

Why me? "I need a leave of absence. About half a year, from next month on."

"You need -- what?" Simon composed himself quickly, shaking his head. "I remember having this conversation before, and I don't like the sound of this. What's going on?"

"It's... Blair. He and I need to get away for a while." Even Jim was startled at the pained tone of his own voice. It was true, they had gotten close over the years, very good friends. And like a friend would be, he was scared, an emotion he couldn't afford during the search, but that was threatening his iron control now. He couldn't think of a 'baby' - for now, he still considered the fetus a parasite (which it actually was, as Dr. Travis had explained) who could still, at some point, claim his Guide's life.

It wasn't worth it. Jim knew loss, had experienced it enough for more than one lifetime, and he wasn't willing to make any compromises.

"What happened?"

Damn, he probably had Simon thinking of a deadly disease now. But that was the point, wasn't it? It could still turn out deadly.

"The kidnappers - we only recently found out what they did."

Planting a timebomb. Now did that sound more appropriate?

"Even the doc didn't believe it at first. They... they made him pregnant."

"You're... kidding me!"

"I'm not, believe me. We've got the ultrasound pictures to prove it. Sandburg's having a baby."

That headache hit him again. It had been getting worse, but with Blair worshipping the porcelain god every morning now, Jim hadn't wanted to bother him. Maybe he was the one with the disease, suffering from hallucinations...? It would have been all too easy. Maybe he was the one who'd been locked up for weeks and used in an experiment, who could tell?

You should think that a Sentinel would be of more interest to the freaks than a graduate student.

"But..." Simon was truly flabbergasted. "I mean, the doctor - what did he say? The, uh, pregancy is going to be aborted, isn't it? It's impossible for a man to bear a child."

"The doctor left the choice to Blair. And he wants to do it."

There was a bit of relief, Jim had to admit, of somebody else getting shocked for a change. He even felt a bit smug, but not so much anymore when Simon asked,

"Aside from the Doc's opinion, is this a kind or a crazy decision?"

"If only I knew," Jim sighed.

~~~

What would the DNA test tell them? Blair tried to calm himself with the thought that they, whoever they were, wouldn't go to all the trouble of impregnating a man and then give him some genetic defect; no, in order to make this possible at all, you'd think it had to be okay material to begin with.

Jim had tried to be helpful, telling him that he'd had it done before, when a female perp had claimed later in court she was expecting his baby -- and unfortunately had her lawyer believe her. Of course, it hadn't turned out that way, but... right, DNA tests, perfectly normal.

He couldn't calm himself.

The ultrasound picture hadn't looked any different from the ones he'd already seen on TV, and still, sometimes he was still wondering what exactly it was that was growing within him, sharing tissues, attaching itself.

His hand going to his belly again, he felt the change. If he'd gone to the station lately, maybe somebody would have commented on a slightly expanded waistline, but nothing too extreme, nothing that looked pregnant, not yet.

Every time Blair tried to imagine it, he'd fail, because he always had to give up short of a panic attack. Maybe Jim had been right all along; maybe he'd be punished for defying nature - and still, there was no going back. He'd had a choice before, but a change of heart at this point would mean lots of trouble. He supposed, even if this had to be a leading case, that the legal standards wouldn't be any different for men.

And once that baby is here, what am I going to do with it?

He supposed he'd love it; it would be small, defenseless and innocent as all babies were anyway, but...

He still had those nightmares of being forced down on a metal table, restraints, drugs administered, and then being cut open--

Breathing became harder as the flashback gained momentum, and he was unaware of pleading with the man who had performed the violation, but wasn't of course here now, breaking in a cold sweat, everything feeling like it was right now... there was a face he hadn't seen before.

~~~

"The eyes... they were a bit closer together. Yeah, like that."

What Jim saw on the screen, made his stomach churn. He knew that face. And even though he had no idea why that man had been had taken Blair, let alone experimented on him, the identity of Alan Parker was most likely uncovered.

They had gone back to the station immediately to create this picture with Serena's help.

Little could Jim know this would turn out to be the picture of a man he'd once trusted.

~~~

"That case... it happened when I was still married. Carolyn believed me, but she said, let's do the testing anyway, so the lawyer would shut up, and we'd also be on the safe side should we ever want to have children. Of course, it never turned out that way." Jim shrugged, glad that no one else in the room was a Sentinel. His own heart sounded like a jackhammer to him.

"Dr. Fraser was the one who performed the tests. He came to visit Carolyn and me a few times, even. Then, he talked about a new job offer, moved away. I never heard of him ever since."

Blair's gaze was understanding, but Jim turned away from it deliberately.

This was what he had feared.

There was some connection, to him, maybe to him being a Sentinel.

As there always was when Blair got hurt.

Blessed protector, all right. It seemed like nothing more than a pathetic joke that kept blowing up in his face.

~~~

Both physicians were true to their word; they had cleared it with their boss and now continued the treatment in a setting that guaranteed their patient's privacy.

They had all gathered in Dr. Linton's office now, where the results of the DNA testing were to be disclosed.

Dr. Travis gave him a reassuring smile, and still Blair felt like another panic attack was looming close. Shit, he was really coming apart at the seams, torn between trying to accept his momentary fate, and denial. As best he could deny while steadily gaining weight, and having increasingly weird food urges.

He felt like having Wonderburger for lunch more often than he had ever chided Jim about.

Seemingly aware of his chaotic inner state if mind, Jim reached over and closed his hand over Blair's, the touch warming his chilled skin some.

He was confused, and worried. Boundaries were shifting; Jim had of course always been in his personal space, using touch as a way of expressing affection where words would have been to complicated for either of them... but still. They were friends who respected and loved each other, and there had never been any sexual color blending into the mix.

Now, they'd gotten caught in the grey zone.

"We've got some good news for you," Dr. Linton said now. "The fetus is perfectly healthy. It was something else that took us so long -- I guess you know the basics of the normal process, but the perps added a twist - one that shows they're highly skilled in what they did. Blair, they combined your DNA with somebody else's. It took us a while to separate them."

"Wait a minute, isn't that normal? I mean--" Confused didn't even begin to cover it, and Jim looked baffled, too.

"It would be kind of complicated to explain the process, but basically, here you have the invoved parties. Take a look."

"This... can't be true," Jim said, stumbling over the words, his face pale.

~~~

You're not serious, man. Did Jim really think, that at this point, anything could shock him now? So the doctor who had once been friends with Jim and Carolyn seemed to be behind this, among others, because it had hardly been a one-man operation. Oh, no, please no hysterical laughter. Operation. No pun intended, right?

Jim had recognized the patterns on the sheet they'd been shown; no need to run this through a database of criminals, the mysterious third DNA was identified.

It was Jim's.

Okay. No need to worry about the genes anymore, either. They were his and Jim's, the unknown woman notwithstanding... this was their baby. Oh God. Not much surprising now that Jim was torn between protective impulses regarding Blair, and those growing for the baby.

No wonder Blair had been known from the first moment he had to carry that responsibility, come what may.

What's more, it was possible that this child would have Sentinel senses.

Okay, maybe Jim was right. This was all a bit much.

~~~

There was something they had missed; Jim was most sure of that. The dimension of the crime had become a different one, because there was no doubt anymore the perps knew about his senses. Neither Fraser nor the doctors now had mentioned anything about it, so didn't seem to be anything obvious for somebody who looked at test results... but somehow, Fraser had known.

How was that possible? They'd been left alone ever since... Brackett. Come to think of it, the ex-CIA agent had been the only criminal who'd ever shown interest in the phenomenon -- but it was too far out to think there could be a connection. No way.

Just to be sure, though, Jim made a mental note to call Jack Kelso and see if there was anything new about Brackett they should know, if only to satisfy his own paranoia.

They other side of the coin - he wasn't really ready to face that yet; the fact that Blair was carrying a baby that belonged to the two of them actually.

It seemed like a mean twist of fate, but Jim wasn't that superstitious. It was every bit the plan of clever, skilled criminals.

~~~

One more secret between the two of them, because none of them would tell the doctors about Jim's senses. Only between them, it was complicating things even further.

They had been starting to pack up things, getting ready to leave Cascade behind in a couple of weeks, not going far, but to a more remote place...

Blair felt uncomfortably close to panicking again, as he packed a few books into a box, wondering if he was going to read them, if he was going to write his dissertation as he'd promised to Eli - ever.

Because there was still the risk of dying, something that he chose to ignore for most of the time until Jim was throwing it into his face.

What the hell were they going to do, now, that it was clear, it was theirs both?

When Jim had been so adamant about making clear he considered Blair's decision a bad one, he had made a decision himself. Wrote it all up, some testament to leave to the world, nice and in order like his papers never were, but this one had to be. For Naomi. Because it was understood, that Jim wouldn't be able to deal with a child whose birth had meant the death of his Guide, and Blair didn't intend to make him.

Everything had changed once again.

"Damn!" he swore aloud, letting the book fall to the floor with a thud.

Much as he tried to make himself believe, this wasn't some romantic adventure he had embarked on, bearing a baby that had both Sentinel and Guide genes -- some evil mad scientists had bound him to a table, cut open his belly and implanted a fetus inside, forcing an impossible responsiblity on him.

And often enough, Blair felt absolutely incompetent in the face of this responsibility, because Jim was helpful, right, trying hard to be supportive while dealing with his own fears, but damn it, he didn't have this embryo inside of him.

Why me?

They had gotten a little closer to the perps now, but that didn't really explain why. If they had wanted to experiment on Sentinel genes, it would have been a thousand times easier to have a woman bear the child, but this had been done deliberately.

Probably somebody out there was watching his every step now, maybe taking notes on how frequently he went to see the doc, or on what he ate...

He slid to the floor, the packing momentarily forgotten.

Basically he was going into isolation, without knowing if he'd make it back alive.

Had the kidnappers maybe counted his death in?

~~~

Blair was working himself right into another panic attack. Jim sighed as he opened the door with his key. Look, Chief, he wanted to say. It's not that difficult. Of course it was kind of amazing that they were practically the parents of this child, but when it came to the decision of child or the person in whose body it was growing -- not much of a decision at all.

So what else was going on now? He had talked to Simon, because Blair had been too mortified to do it; they were good to go soon. It wasn't what they had envisioned at any moment in their lives, but they were in the game now. Period. What's to panic?

He found Blair in the living room, curled up on the sofa, regardless of the cluttered books and boxes on the floor. He had the comforter wrapped around him, and looked ready to crash.

"What's the matter with you?"

Blair's eyes widened for an instant, a flash of - something, Jim couldn't define.

"I'm pregnant," he said.

"Right. I know."

"Pregnant," Blair repeated, as if trying out the word, unexpected laughter bubbling up, turning into giggles. Stress taking its toll, no doubt about it. His heartbeat was way too fast. Tears in his eyes.

And then, "I don't want to die."

Blair had been taking everything in stride so much Jim wasn't really prepared for the desolation, the heart-wrenching sobs that Blair tried to hold back in vain. He couldn't think of anything to say, so he just leaned forward to offer an embrace, all he could do at the moment. And then, the words came easily: "You won't," he said. "I promise you, you won't."

~~~

Good to have somebody to lean on, when everything was falling apart. Only that Blair hated to crumble like this, in a way he hadn't done it after run-ins with murderers and other psychopaths. He was embarassed to the bone about how good it felt just to have Jim hold him like this.

Afraid he might take it too far one time in those months yet to come.

"Don't worry," Jim said, seeming to read his thoughts. "I think it's hormones. You're entitled to be moody."

"Gee, thanks, man." He wiped his face, couldn't help but smile at the simple explanation. "I feel so much better now."

"That's what I hoped, because it's actually your night to cook. Ah, no, cut that look. I'll help."

Another crisis averted for the moment. How many more of them before it was all done? Blair wondered. With a sigh, he dragged himself up from the sofa. Not wanting to think of what it would be like in a few months when he'd *really* feel the extra weight.

~~~

Simon had been very helpful; allowing Jim to do part-time for a little while until they'd take off for good, reassigning cases in an unobtrusive way so no one really noticed something had changed, other than the changes inevitable after the abduction - they still didn't know the background.

After a weekend of mostly moving things to their temporary home, Jim sat in Simon's office in the morning, the captain as curious as he was concerned.

"So, how are you doing?"

"Well, at least I'm not pregnant." It was a weak joke, and Jim knew it. He took a sip of his coffee to cover the sudden twinge of embarrassment. "Okay, I think," he said then. "We're keeping contact with the Docs, so far eveything looks good."

"And nerves are shot," Simon finished, chuckling when Jim shot him a surprised look.

"Hell, Jim, I've been where you are now. Granted, it wasn't something as dramatic, Joan being a woman, but still... the baby has your genes. I'm sure that's enough to be terrified."

"I'm terrified about other things," Jim returned coolly, uncomfortable with the subject Simon had just raised. It was true, he couldn't help feeling protective of a small defenseless being that was his as much as it was Blair's - but... It wasn't because the idea of a man bearing a child was insanity to begin with. He'd feel like that for every person he loved, friend, lover, or family, and he wouldn't have risked any of them for a vague promise.

Simon was looking at him disbelievingly. "So don't tell me this new information doesn't make a difference."

"It does," Jim admitted wearily. "It just means to worry more - because God help me, I still can't believe that anything good can come out of this. I'll just be glad when it's all over and we can go back to our normal lives."

Would that ever be possible? Simon seemed to doubt it just as much as Jim did.

~~~

The last boxes had been unpacked in the new house. Just about to finish one that had some more books in it, Jim was going to ask Blair where he wanted them, when the sheet of paper fell out of it. A copy of something. Right, he should just put it back and disregard it.

Jim read the few words that sounded like the first draft of an idea for --

"Sandburg!"

"Don't yell, I'm here. What's the matter?" Blair sounded somewhere in between amused and annoyed. Jim noticed that he'd started to move differently, trying to handle the weight he was carrying in addition to his own. You couldn't deny any longer.

"What's this supposed to mean?" he barked angrily, holding up the single sheet.

"Oh. This." There was a defensive gleam in Blair's eyes. "I was only jotting down a few ideas. The real thing is with a lawyer who's a friend of mine."

Normally, Jim would have snorted at the idea of Blair being friends with a lawyer, but that was utterly unimportant now. "Why the hell did you do that?"

"Why do you think? You keep reminding me of the possible complications. I took precautions. That's all there is to it."

Jim assumed he had given Blair enough reason to put 'this', a freaking last will, the way he had, and still, it didn't change the gut-punch feeling. "I'm more related to that baby than Naomi is," he said.

"But you hate it!"

Blair hardly ever yelled like this when they were alone, even in tense times remembering how soon a sensory spike could be caused, but the emotion behind those words made it clear he didn't care much now.

Maybe - justified?

"I don't," Jim said quickly, annoyed at how this sounded like an excuse.

"You're lying."

"No, I'm not. It's not that I hate it, it's just that -- can't you see it? I don't want to think about that possiblity, because it is none for me. If there's ever the choice between you and the child, I could never--"

"Jim!" Blair was staring at him incredulously. "It could have the senses!"

"Yeah, maybe. That doesn't make it any more important than you are."

Blair was shaking his head, but ceasing the verbal protest, a definite sign that he was about to give in. While it was exactly what Jim had been hoping for, he was still feeling guilty. If there was any chance to see this pregnancy to a good end, it wasn't achieved by their continuous arguments on whose life was more important. And still.

"I'll support you. Believe me, Chief, I'm aware of just whose child this is, and I promise you I'll do whatever I can to help you. But I need a promise from you too. Let's talk to the doctors and let's tell them if there are any complications, then it will be you they're going to save first. I need that much from you."

There was a tense silence between them, then finally, with an unhappy look, Blair said, "That's probably fair, as nobody knows how this will end anyway. But even if they agree, it could still turn out the other way. You know that."

"It's part of you, too. I could never hate it."

And there was some relief in it, finding it was the truth.

~~~

Blair remembered those words as he stood in front of the bathroom mirror, once again caught between awe and shock - he didn't think he'd ever get used to the way his belly had started to curve, that peculiar look that would make people look twice on the street, not that he had been out much lately.

It also wasn't quite the look of an overweight man. That's what would make them stare, the perfect roundness of - well, pregnancy. The concept never ceased to scare him, and had caused way more nightmares than Jim would ever know about.

Still, there were moments when he managed to forget all about how this had happened, and was filled with an irrational, glowing happiness about the life within him, growing, protected --

Those were brief moments, no more than flashes.

Then there was the whole identity thing, about which he mostly tried to stay in denial. Men didn't bear babies - but he would. Provide the space in his body for the tiny human being. What did that make him? And how would life be after that experience?

Blair had to admit he was kind of glad he wouldn't be around for the procedure, but wake up later - if he woke up at all.

"You okay in there?"

Jim had come up behind him, not quite touching, but close. He seemed calm; had been all this evening after having made his point. Not that he'd ever admit it, but talking things through had been good.

Blair watched their reflections in the mirror. He sighed at his pale and tired look, but somehow it wasn't so bad when he smiled. "Okay is a vague concept lately, but anyway... yeah, I am. Thanks."

Their movements were in perfect sync, Jim taking just half a step forward, Blair leaning back into the support, and then it was kind of funny, even the mirror image they shared for this moment distorting the truth just a little.

People had been talking behind their backs from day one, but it had always remained the innuendo of prejudiced, maybe bored minds. There had never been any sexual attraction between them, and there wasn't any now.

Still, they shared something even their friends were hardly able to understand, and sometimes, as hard as he strove to, Blair thought even he didn't understand it.

He shivered a bit as Jim's arms came around him, hands settling lightly over his belly.

Not going for any ticklish spots, Blair hoped, feeling giddy. Wired as he was these days, he'd jump right at the ceiling.

Jim's smile in the mirror was indulgent, but awed also. "I can *feel* its heartbeat," he said quietly. "It's strong. Like you."

Blair took another look at the mirror, amused at what it seemed to say. "Off-hand, I know a dozen people in and outside the department who'd drop dead if they were here now. Each."

"Hell, Chief, what can I say? I'm sorry. I still got this thing for tall red-heads."

"Don't be sorry, man. *I'm* relieved." Laughing - and weren't those the kind of happy hormones who'd be oh-so good for the child? - Blair stepped out of Jim's embrace, relieved indeed, because some things between them always seemed to stay the same, regardless of the weird everyday life they were dealing with. "Oh, and did you happen to have brought the alcohol-free beer? I'm having a craving, and at least it looks like beer..."

~~~

The days blended into one another, and Jim kept reducing his hours at the department. So far, everything had gone surprisingly well on the medical side, the extreme morning sickness having passed, but now he found he had another thing to worry about.

Hell-bent on finishing his dissertation before the birth, Blair was putting in many hours, doing research, going through countless books and websites in the process. While it was certainly not a bad thing to expose a child to knowledge early, Jim was afraid that Blair was still a little obsessed with the thought of having everthing in order, should he not survive.

An impossible thought. Now that they had at least found some agreement about how to deal with possible complications, Jim was more hopeful. If the doctors did everything to save Blair's life first, there was nothing much to fear, right?

One afternoon, Simon had left the office early and joined him at the little house that had been their home for some months now.

Jim had called and asked Blair if he was okay with it, and had gotten a rather non-committally sounding, "Sure, man, why not?", so he had decided to dare it.

They could trust Simon; that, and he supposed it would be good for them to have a break of the unusual intimacy between the two of them. If it wasn't a sexual one, the fact that the child growing in Blair's body was theirs, definitely created a proximity that came partly natural, and still remained partly forced on them by Fraser and his helpers.

Probably a good idea to give up that weird symbiosis for at least an afternoon.

And he had to concede, Simon handled himself well when Blair was greeting them at the door, acknowledging the state of his body with a shrug that was a little self-conscious, but mostly matter-of-fact.

"I never doubted you had guts, Sandburg, still, I hope you don't mind if I stare."

"Knock yourself out, Simon. I would if I were you. By the time I get used to my mirror image, it'll probably be all over."

"You'll be fine, no doubt. I guess it's hard to find things to wear though."

They had gone inside, and Jim, who had gone to the kitchen to get some coffee for all of them - decaf for Blair, of course - shook his head to himself. That bit of conversation sounded so - normal. He'd have to thank Simon later. He was more relaxed about this whole pregnancy thing than any of them had been, but then again, he wasn't involved in it in any way.

"Tell me about it," Blair sighed now. "I've been wearing Jim's shirts for a while, but as you can see, that doesn't work too well anymore either. It's not like I can go shopping in a store for maternity wear." He laughed. "Oh man, this sounds weird. I hope you never doubt the truth about how this baby was conceived."

"Too much information," Simon returned with his trademark faked grumpiness. "You know, Sandburg, where the two of you are concerned, I've just learned to never be surprised anymore."

There was a pause, in which, Jim noticed contentedly, both men's heartbeats were calm and relaxed.

"And it's damn brave what you're doing."

Exactly my thoughts, Chief.

~~~

Simon had brought work too, information on Fraser, about the time when he disappeared and the people he'd met before. Blair had the laptop on his knees, tracing social events and news articles.

There had been a big charity event a year ago in Cascade, featuring many important scientists in the city. And then there was one picture--

"Holy shit!"

A split-second before he said it, Jim had gotten up from the sofa, alarm showing on his face.

"It's okay, I'm okay, just -- man, I really hope that's just a coincidence." Blair turned the computer so Jim and Simon could take a look at the screen. They all knew the woman Fraser was talking to in the picture, and Blar had known her a little better than his friends had.

Dr. Sonia Price.

~~~

"I thought you had only dated her a couple of times." Jim's voice sounded vaguely accusing, and Blair was well aware of the smile Simon was hiding behind his hand. Yeah, right, Sonia too. One more on the list of 'should have known better'.

But how could he have known that the distinguished scientist would have tastes he wasn't quite ready to follow? She hadn't seemed to hold a grudge when they had met earlier this year; in fact, the few times they went for a coffee or lunch together, had been more pleasant than when they had actually dated...

"Only a couple of times, and it seemed everything was all right between us, so--"

He broke off as realization sank in, and from the look of Jim's face he could tell he had the same suspicion.

It would be a stretch, and still...

"Very nice, that telepathic thing you do," Simon grumbled, "but I'm not in it, so would somebody care to enlighten me?"

They exchanged another look, and Blair sighed. His turn. "I -- never remembered anything clearly about what happened, and even the time shortly before --" As always, when he talked about his abduction, his throat got tight. Somehow, that was even worse than the present, the after-the-fact situation. Because there had been one time when everything could have been turned around.

"Anyway, the doctor said, and that makes sense, you can't simply put a fetus into a man's body and expect it to thrive."

Much to Simon's credit, he simply nodded, though his heart rate was certainly up. Sometimes it was better not to be the Sentinel...

"That's why you need to prepare the body, give the person female hormones. Somebody must have slipped them to me, and so far, I had no idea who could have done this. I'm not so sure now."

~~~

The news was puzzling. Jim had made that call to Kelso a while ago, and according to him, Lee Brackett was still locked away safely. Weird though that there was now a trace leading to the scientist who had actually assisted them in the Brackett case.

He'd promised he'd take the leave for the last few months, but not before he'd have a long talk with the good doctor. Maybe find out why Blair ever broke up with her.

~~~

Sometimes, the identity question came crashing down at unexpected and totally inappropriate moments - like now, as Blair found himself at their next neighbors' front door, where he'd hoped to borrow some pepper he and Jim had forgotten to buy the last time.

Raising his hand to knock, he had to cringe all of a sudden at how this looked. Cooking a nice meal while the guy was out on the job, creating a nice home (not regarding the fact he'd spent six hours behind the laptop today, making good progress on his dissertation) - it sounded bad, like an eerie cliché. Naomi would be disturbed, more by all of these changes than by the fact that he was actually expecting a baby.

It was a male teenager opening the door, regarding him curiously.

"Hi, I'm Blair Sandburg, your neighbor. I was wondering if I could borrow some pepper - just noticed that we're out."

"Sure, man, come on in."

Despite the thin sheen of friendliness that covered up his words, the teen's smile was all but friendly.

Reluctantly, Blair followed him into the spacious kitchen where the boy opened a cabinet. "How much do you need?"

"Just a bit." He was uncomfortably aware of the teenager's stare on him, eager to leave again.

"Thanks." As always lately, when he felt a threat, imagined or real, Blair's hand went to his belly, a subconcious, protective gesture.

"You're welcome."

~~~

All afternoon, knowing Jim would probably be talking to Sonia, trying to find some clues as to her connection with Fraser, Blair felt restless, on the verge of grabbing the phone to call Jim and tell him to come.

Hadn't he read somewhere about parapsychotic symptoms caused by pregnancy? What bad could happen? He had dinner on the stove, Jim would be returning soon, and they'd have a quiet evening together. Everything seemed a little easier and lighter since they had taken that look into the mirror, looking deeper than what was shown to them on the surface.

He tried to distract himself with reflecting on his brief, but nevertheless strange relationship with Sonia, on what he'd thought was an attempt at making up, and years back, after the Brackett case, when she'd been so badly disappointed in him. True, he was all for being unconventional and trying new things, but it was way too soon after Lash. The thoughts of restraints of any kind didn't hold any appeal for him. Too bad she hadn't been very understanding about it. He should have paid more attention when she approached him again just a few months ago, wanting to stay friends.

Had she thought of it as funny, seeing how easy he'd been - drugging him?

Ah, no stop.

Those weren't the right thoughts for calming down either.

There was a knock on the door, and Blair heaved himself out of the armchair he'd been sitting in, wondering why Jim didn't just use his key. Well, maybe he'd bought some groceries on the way home. The timing was good with dinner almost ready.

"Hey, Jim, it's good you're--"

He stopped cold when he saw the youth he had borrowed the papper from today -- with three of his friends. One of them was weighing a baseball bat in his hand, and he sneered, "Surprise, freak."

~~~

Sonia Price was all calm when she admitted talking to Fraser at the benefit party. "I must admit I don't understand this," she said coolly. "Has he committed a crime? Are you accusing me of one?"

Not yet.

"You two ever worked together?"

"No. I don't even know him all that well - I thought he was friends with you and your ex-wife though."

So she was well-informed. "That was some time ago. Say, Dr. Price, did Lee Brackett ever try to approach you?"

She furrowed her brows in an annoyed look. "No, and if he did, I would have slugged him. Apart from being the criminal that he is, the first time we met, he knocked me out, remember? That's not something I'm likely to forget."

~~~

"What do you want from me anyway?"

The anger he felt didn't come across clearly enough to back up his words. Blair cringed at the sound of breaking glass, as one of the picture frames was tossed to the floor, in addition to the mess that was already there.

"We haven't done anything to you, so what's this shit all about?"

"Shut up, freak!" the neighbor's son yelled. "You are sick, that's why! We saw you move in. You don't belong here! A couple of sick fucks you are!"

Blair ducked the punch just in time, backing up a little farther into the room, hands pressed against his belly. God, he was scared. This wasn't about standing up to stupid bullies; he'd faced them often enough and knew how to handle them. But right now, he didn't have just himself to protect, and he didn't think he could deal if...

"Get out before I call the police. This is none of your business, so get lost."

"It's ours now."

He spun around to find himself face to face with the one with the bat. "You don't know what you're doing. Don't--"

One step further, and the wall was behind him. Overwhelmed by another memory of being cornered, threatened, he lashed out desperately, again even when the brutal pain in his wrist hit him full force. He didn't hear the angry shouts of the younger men, hardly felt the impact of their fists as he sank to the floor in the corner, curling up so they wouldn't get to the baby. Please, no.

~~~

Jim came home to an inferno.

He knew who the young men were, had seen all of them on occasion, but only with the benefit of his enhanced sight, because he and Blair tended to keep their distance, a wise decision, as it seemed.

There was boundless fear. There was disgust and rage at kids who just couldn't accept anyone who was different in any way, and their stupid ass parents who brought them up that way.

However, it was with cold detachment that Jim raised his weapon, his voice cutting like a knife through the hated voices of the teenagers who were boasting to each other. He even managed to compartmentalize the smell of blood and tears.

"Cascade Police, freeze! You stop it right there, or I swear I'm going to shoot all of you idiots." For emphasis, he fired a shot at the ceiling.

They obeyed, but the moment he picked up his cell to call for backup and an ambulance, three of them, including the son of their next door neighbors, made a run for it.

"I know who you are!" he shouted after them, quickly cuffing the last one of them who hadn't been fast enough. "Don't think you can get away!" He pushed the teen who wasn't so cocky anymore, aside, and hurried to Blair's side, now opening himself to every bit of sensual information as to possible injuries.

There was a bleeding gash on Blair's left temple, his eyes glazed over with shock. Probably more wounds, according to the smell of blood, but he was lucid enough to swear. "Damn, I wish you would have shot them! What the hell were they thinking?"

"Who knows, Chief."

Blair cast an indecipherable look at the guy in the corner, then dropped his voice to a low whisper that carried all his fear and pain, "Can you still hear it?" He'd started to shake, from anger and a mix of other things.

Regardless of the idiot who was watching them, Jim leaned closer, starting a gentle inventory of what had been done to his friend.. "Yeah. I can hear it."

"Thank God." Then Blair slumped against him.

~~~

"What happened?" Dr. Travis' voice sounded urgent, and a bit shocked too. Jim could relate. Blair hadn't been out for long, and Jim was still hearing those two heartbeats, if too fast for his liking, but still.

He'd come that close to shooting those teens, and he'd almost taken out his rage on the remaining one when Blair all but begged him to listen to the baby's heartbeat, scared beyond imagination that it might not be there anymore.

"I tried. You've got to believe me, Jim, I tried to protect it."

"I know you did."

He forced himself back to the present. "He's been beaten up. Some stupid kids who think they know it all. Please make sure he's all right, okay?"

She just patted his shoulder briefly, leaving him alone with the guilt, and a certainty that was fairly new. He wouldn't want Blair to have to face the loss of this child, and Jim had to admit, not for entirely altruistic reasons.

He wanted this baby to live, too.

~~~

FREAK! YOU HAD IT COMING!

Blair jerked out of the flashback as hands were gently touching him, the flare of pain making him moan involuntarily.

"I'm sorry," Dr. Travis said softly. "I know you need to rest, but let me just do this exam so we know everything's all right, okay?"

He nodded, grimacing at the continuous pain. "Knock yourself out."

~~~

"They did... something."

The young man's voice was shaky with tears, his desolation cutting through the drug induced lethargy that dulled Blair's senses. He forced himself to sit up on the bed to see his temporary roommate huddled against the wall. "What do you mean, something?"

"God, these people are fucking crazy."

The other man - Blair tried to remember in vain if he'd ever learned his name - lifted his shirt to reveal several stitches across his belly.

"They put something inside of me."

Blair would have thought that the contstant drugging had been messing with his mind, except those stitches were for real. "Hey," he said, trying not to let his own fear show. "We're going to get out of here, remember? Real soon."

"It's too late," the guy said darkly, and Blair almost shrank away bodily from his words. No way. Jim would find him. He just couldn't doubt that.

~~~

While the exam had always been uncomfortable, it had never been this painful, and Blair gritted his teeth against the intrusion. It didn't help to tell himself that this was necessary, that the doctor was making sure he and the baby both were - if not okay, at least well enough to carry on.

Grabbing the edges of the exam table in a white-knuckled grip, a detached part of his psyche wondered how much more he'd be able to take, then, today, and right now, before the inevitable breakdown.

Oh, right, he'd been close to panicking a couple of times, right - Jim, man, I'm telling you, you ain't seen nothing yet.

He hadn't spent all that long in the corner, fearing for the baby's life more than for his own, but that, too, while blood was trickling over his face, warm and sickening. But just as bad were those memories of his imprisonment coming back, of the guy who'd been taken to the operation room before him, of the night when it had been his turn--

They looked human in their lab coats, but to them, they could have just as well been aliens, experimenting on their subjects made helpless by God-knew what drugs ever. Blair and Marc, that was the name of the guy who had been in the room with him, had no way of knowing. Not what exactly was done to them or why. They only shared the hope of escaping, crushed a little more each day until it vanished altogether.

"Just a minute. The doctor laid a gentle hand on his arm, as he'd begun to tremble. "Almost done."

She kept her promise, but it was too late. He couldn't stop the tears any longer and didn't try to.

~~~

"I'm glad to tell you it looked worse than it is," Dr. Travis said. She was shaking her head. "I'm sorry this happened; hopefully you got them all?"

Jim nodded grimly. He'd just talked to Simon on the phone, and all the youths were apprehended within a short time. Where they'd go from here, he had no idea.

Some of the shock was receding now, and he was beginning to see things a little more rationally. It seemed like a good idea now that they'd chosen reclusion - too bad there were idiots everywhere. "So they are okay?"

For the first time that night, the doctor smiled. "A bit shaken up, but that's no surprise. Other than a few bruises, which are unfortunately painful, Blair will be all right, and the baby is fine, too. Thank God the little ones aren't as fragile as Hollywood makes us want to believe. You probably heard those stories where a healthy baby was born to a mother in a coma - *those* are actually true."

Jim didn't want to think of anything like that at the moment; it brought up bad memories he didn't need on top of tonight's backlash.

Dr. Travis had realized what she just said and apologized. "It's been a long day."

"You're right. Can I see him now?"

While physically not harmed as much as they had feared, Blair wasn't in a good shape at all. Jim had to admit he wasn't quite so sure what he would have done if it had turned out any other way, but for now, he had to push thoughts of revenge or even retribution aside.

There were things more important than that.

Tomorrow, he'd give those guys a piece of his mind in the interrogation room.

~~~

Blair hastily wiped his face when he heard determined footsteps approaching. Seemed like the pregnancy had enhanced his senses too - hearing. And while he had overcome the dreaded morning sickness, certain smells still could make a run for the restroom necessary.

Not that he'd actually run these days - it wasn't quite waddling yet, but it was becoming more of a challenge each day to handle those extra pounds.

Not much longer, and he wouldn't have to worry about that anymore.

The thought, combined with the hideous headache made his eyes water again, and he was once again drawn into the dizzying swirl of fear. What if... By now, his mind had been trying to adjust by conjuring images of cute, tiny babies, a new life that would make it all worthwhile -- trying so hard to chase those nagging thoughts, that it could be, despite the doctor's assurances, something else growing inside his body.

Just when he got there, the world crumbled again, because of some stupid, clueless teens. And he thought that he'd dealt with enough of them when he'd been a teenager himself.

True, Blair could understand them being grossed out. Hell, he was grossed out himself, torn between brief flashes of excitement, but mostly worry, waiting for the hammer to fall, for the punishment of the Gods for this act against nature.

Maybe it had just begun.

The pain brought up the images over and over again, not that he needed much of a reminder. "Monster," they'd taunted. "Let's get rid of the monster breed." And he didn't know what he'd have done if they hadn't stopped, if he hadn't been able to keep the baby who had his genes as well as Jim's.

~~~

"They'll be charged with aggravated assault, at the least." Jim was trying hard to sound confident, but he was tired, and not so sure at all. How could they deal with this attack anyway, how much publicity would follow when even their colleagues weren't supposed to know? What more nonsense would these bastards sprout in their holding cells?

"That's good - I think."

Blair had the look of someone shell-shocked. So far, the pregnancy hadn't slowed him down much, but now speech and movements were a bit too slow and deliberate compared to the usual.

The silence stretched for several long minutes, until Blair spoke again, "Maybe you should go home. You look like hell."

"Look who's talking," Jim said in a weak attempt of a joke. Blair was right though. The end of the line had come disturbingly close. He could deal with taking off for a few months, financially not the problem for him it actually was for Blair. It was this unexpected explosion of violence in their seemingly peaceful neighborhood that had him worried. That, and Blair's current state.

"It's okay," he said, "I'll go home later, come back tomorrow morning after I've had a word with these clowns."

Talk was awkward, something between them like an invisible wall. It wasn't fair; that just whenever they made a honest attempt to deal with their situation as it was at the moment, fate or whatever the hell it was kept lashing back at them.

"I'd like to try to sleep now."

While part of Jim would have rather camped out here in the room, to stay close to Blair and the second precious hearbeat that he'd been defending so bravely today - another part just wanted to go home and creep into bed. Sleep into oblivion and forget that his roommate and best friend was pregnant with a child that was theirs.

"All right then, Chief. I'll see you tomorrow."

Reaching out a hand to touch his friend's bruised face, Jim stopped in mid-motion and laid it on Blair's shoulder for a brief moment instead. "You heard what the doctors said. It's going to be okay."

"Yeah, sure."

The thin sheet made Blair's altered figure even more obvious, and Jim was unwittingly reminded of that moment they'd spent in the bathroom - no, he still had no sexual interest in Blair, but he realized that the more the child grew, the more he was overcome with a, to him inexplicable, wish? need? to touch. Inexplicable, because he'd never felt that way with pregnant women, though he'd been able a time or two to discover the pregnancy before the woman knew.

Mortified by the impulse, Jim nearly flew from the hospital room.

~~~

They were going to kill it.

Sending Jim away had probably been a bad idea - or a good one, considering that Blair's intention had been to will away the breakdown until he could do it in peace. The funny thing was, he didn't have the urge to rave and cry about the near loss - in fact, he felt rather paralyzed, held in a tight grip of what could be memories, and what definitely were, of today, the voices that never stopped.

And then the other man, the one Blair had failed to tell Jim about. Had there been more?

More successful ones?

And if that was the case, was there somebody watching them?

With great effort, Blair dragged himself up from the bed, feeling the cold air waft over his skin as he slowly made his way to the bathroom. Somehow, the small room seemed safer, more secure than the hospital room with the large window. He wasn't probably thinking too rationally at the moment, but Blair didn't care. They could be everywhere.

And in the end, they probably never cared more about him or the baby than those teens had.

He couldn't turn on the light; that would have alarmed a nurse.

So he proceeded slowly and carefully, jumping when the shape of a chair seemed much more like a crouching person. Blair paused for a moment, willing to calm his racing heart. "It's okay, baby," he whispered. "No danger around."

Months ago, he'd awakened in a cold, sterile building, with no one around. That same old feeling of eyes watching him whatever he did, watching what they had done to him, was there again. Malevolent eyes.

He backed into the corner of the wall and shower stall, cowering on the floor like he had then.

True, his encounter with those fanatical youths had been pretty traumatic, but there was a growing certainty terrorizing Blair - the ones who had planned this all along, possibly had something worse for him in store.

Please, don't take it from me.

~~~

"It's horrible! We've got to keep these things from happening."

"What exactly do you mean?" Jim asked with exaggerated friendliness, while inside, rage was boiling, but he couldn't afford to let it out. This was too important. And, not to forget, Simon was watching from the observation area.

Their neighbor's kid was still acting tough and all righteous. "Fags getting babies," he spat. "No real man would do that, and if there's one, there's going to be more. It's disgusting."

"You think." There was so much venom in the quiet words the teen visibly shrank back.

"It's the truth," he dared.

Jim leaned close again, in need to dial down his sense of smell, because the kid was sweating now. He could also hear Simon's heartbeat go up, but no, he wouldn't lay a hand on this guy who hadn't yet been claimed by his parents. They were on a holiday and wouldn't return until the end of the week.

"I'll tell you what the truth is. You and your buddies came busting into our home and beat up a man who has more guts than all of you together."

The neighbors' son remained quiet, but Jim could tell that he had a hard time holding back a return.

"You don't like to hear that, huh? Because you know it's true. Four against one; you couldn't make your point any other way? And what's more, each of you could have been in that situation."

"I'm not -- none of my friends are fags!"

"He was abducted by scientists who were experimenting with human genetic material. They cut him open, implanted a fetus inside and that was it. And he's giving it a chance to live." With some satisfaction, Jim had noticed the teenage boy going pale. "No, I don't think you or any of your friends would have had the balls to pull through with it. No way."

"B-but --"

"What if those same people had chosen you?"

Jim knew he'd hit home with this question. He had expected it, because he had asked himself the same question often enough, and always, shamefully, come up with the same answer. I could have never...

But Blair would, despite the fact that he was scared, and exposed to a high risk for his life. Jim thought he could have never found words to express how crazy - and brave - this actually was.

Most important though, he had the youth where he wanted him, starting to babble and reveal all the disturbing facts about the attack. Behind the two-way mirror, Simon gave him the thumbs up.

~~~

Sometime in the night, a nurse had appeared, scolding him for hiding and almost giving her a heart attack near the end of her shift. Blair tuned out her words as he dragged himself back to bed, with her help and under her baffled stare.

Hell yes, got a bun in the oven - you've never seen that before?

Well, he probably had to cut her some slack. Chances were, she hadn't ever seen it on a man.

He felt a little less beside himself, but still in pain. She promised to get some mild painkiller, regarding him curiously again. "It won't harm the little one," she assured then, indicating that Dr. Travis had told her the truth.

When she had left, Blair found himself lying awake, his thoughts revolving not so much around the attack as the fact that he'd had the first real piece of memory since the abduction today. If it was correct, then they had done it to somebody else, too.

And he really needed to tell that to Jim.

~~~

The attack had changed something profoundly. Okay, Simon had known, and the doctors before him, but now Jim felt like their hiding away maybe hadn't made much sense in the first place. They couldn't hide from the facts, couldn't expect to handle things in their own little world they had created, not now that there was a case - and the other one, unsolved, raising its head again.

They hadn't found any dirt on Price so far, though he hadn't completely wiped her off the slate.

And this morning, Blair had told him about the other young man in that horror cabinet. Not that it was so much of a surprise - there had to have been real money behind that project, and the people behind it wouldn't take their chances. They'd have more subjects, just in case -- Jim didn't want to finish that thought.

Just in case one or more didn't make it.

All of them were at high risk, so many things could happen, they could miscarriage, or they could... high risk of massive hemorrhaging... die.

He had cut down regular work to just a few hours a week at the moment, but today of all days, he had had to go back to the city, and to court after driving Blair home from the hospital. Two and a half months to go. He shook his head at himself wryly - how did the 'real' families ever cope with this?

The doctors had often enough emphazised that it was possible for Blair to bear a healthy baby. But what did they really know?

The neighborhood teens, clueless as they were, had shown him that his need to stay close to Blair, who would have this, their baby against all odds, wasn't just from paranoia.

~~~

Talking about what little memory he had recovered had helped - some. Still, Blair found himself restless, worried now that he had learned at what disadvantage his pregnancy had put him in a fight. Not that there's much of a chance anyway when you're overpowered, but anyway... He probably should have gotten some more rest, for the hospital stay had done hardly anything more than add stress, but he still - or again? - had trouble trying to sleep. What else was new?

God, he had gotten moody.

He didn't think any of the pregnant women he'd met in the communes he and Naomi had stayed with, or later on, had ever been this bad.

Then again, nobody saw them as freak of nature. Freak. Oh right, for some people the term applied to everyone who wasn't the usual, and Blair could really understand Jim now, in a way he could never before. In fact it made him shudder to think that the scientists must have felt the same triumph after the successful surgery as he had after finding Jim.

Better not go down that road; it was seriously freaking him out.

Once again, he made sure that the doors were locked, and none of the windows open. The cell phone charged. He wouldn't be surprised one more time.

Even though his body was aching all over, the strong kick that came from inside filled him with a sense of pride. We made it through.

At the same time, he could have cried - again - at the realization that had come to him during cold, lonely hours in the hospital bathroom. He would do his best to deliver the child, but there was no way he could keep it. Whoever was behind the whole scheme, would want to continue the experiment, and try to find the baby born to a man. He couldn't let that happen, and while Blair wasn't ready to discuss this with Jim yet, he was sure that giving the kid away was his or her only chance at a normal life.

He had despised Jim's Dad for being so much in denial about his son's gift - but it was crystal clear to Blair what had been behind it all the time, the heedless fear of what could happen to someone who wasn't the ordinary. The world they were living in didn't take too kindly to that.

With a sigh, he heaved himself into the armchair and turned on the laptop again. He might as well get some work done until Jim returned, if one-handed; and maybe it helped chasing the dire thoughts from his mind as well.

~~~

"Hey, Chief! I'm home." Jim called out at the door already, as though not to startle Blair who had fallen asleep. In front of him, the screensaver was dancing across the laptop's screen, weird patterns that would have had him falling into a zone-out in a minute, if the grounding sensation of Blair's heartbeat hadn't been so near.

Blair raised bleary eyes at him, his bruised face still a sight that triggered thoughts of revenge, but Jim also knew that it wouldn't help either of them. He opted for a lighter tone instead.

"Hi, Mom," he said, squeezing his friend's shoulder gently.

"I hate you," Blair grumbled in response, trying to shift his body into a more comfortable position.

"No, you don't. I brought Wonderburger for dinner."

Blair couldn't quite hide the delighted smile, but he warned anyway, "Beware. I'm armed and pregnant!"

Jim ducked the flying pillow at the last moment, laughing, surprised how good it felt. "You definitely are. Now come on, before it gets cold."

~~~

The fireplace was very much like the one they'd had in the loft which was currently rented out to Sally's granddaughter who of course didn't know the true cause why Jim and Blair had chosen to get out of the city for a while.

The rug in front of it seemed ideal for meditation, something Blair had neglected for a long time, but he figured a little calming effect would be good for the baby, too. Lowering himself to the floor, however, he realized halfway that it wasn't such a good idea. He hadn't done this in a while, and his body wasn't as nimble as it used to be in its usual form.

"What do you think you're doing?" Jim asked with mild irritation, probably because he figured he'd be the one who'd have to pull his adventurous roommate up again in a while.

"Hell if I know," Blair sighed. "I don't think any relaxation will work right now. My back is killing me." Over his shoulder, he gave Jim a suggestive look. "Hm, I think I know someone who still has to make up for stupid 'Mommy' jokes..."

"Guilty as charged. So someone needs a good massage, huh?"

"You got it, man."

Jim, of course, was beside him on the floor in one fluid move, something that made Blair infinitely jealous. It would be a while yet before he could move like that again.

Jim's touch was warm and familar, a good thing, because Blair suddenly realized how long it had been he'd been touched in a friendly way - his mind was often enough reeling from the afterimages of many not so friendly touches, of clinical ones, and of one exam after another.

"Am I hurting you?"

Damn, Jim could even pick up on his dire thoughts. "No way," Blair hurried to assure. "It's fine." Great, actually. Jim wouldn't really need to ask, he'd feel where there was more heat from the bruises, and where to apply less pressure. He couldn't help the happy sound that escaped him, and Jim chuckled.

"I get you, Chief. Feeling absolutely no pain, right?"

Blar leaned back into the touch gratefully. "Hm, this is better than meditation. You could make a fortune as a chiropractioner."

The roller-coaster was just continuing; yesterday he'd been wallowing in the same old fear that came back from time to time like an unwanted guest. Blair felt a little guilty because he didn't want to talk about the other guy that most likely shared his fate, didn't want to go there even in his mind.

Not when there was the rare chance of feeling relatively safe for the moment -- and yes, everybody had assured him, the baby hadn't been hurt. He could still go through with this, not keeping the child in the end, which was sad, but maybe it could be with him for a little while at least. Those, for a change pleasant, thoughts on his mind, Blair drifted off to sleep under Jim's careful ministrations.

~~~

Jim was as grateful as he was amused to find Blair relax enough that he fell asleep during the massage, heartbeat all settled and calm, and the baby's was that way, too.

They needed a moment like this, badly. It was enough, simply enough of the trauma; the abduction and its results, the knowledge about the 'preparation' that must have been taking place, and only recently, the violence brought to their temporary home, bringing a string of dark memories in its wake.

Even for him as a bystander, it it had been a dizzying, disturbing ride. He couldn't even begin to think how Blair had to feel about all this, and yet he seemed to take it all in his stride, working on his dissertation even though barely home from the hospital for a day, with this baby growing in his body. Soon, it would be developed enough to live... if it wasn't already the case. It wasn't like Jim knew one hell of a lot about these things.

He shifted a bit so Blair could lie more restfully against him, once again struck by the wish to touch. And he did, carefully, lightly, as though not to wake his friend, but still experience the enhanced sensation of the heartbeat inside drumming its rhythm.

Hypnotic. No danger of a zone-out, though. The baby's heartbeat was too similar, too familiar to zone on it.

Slowly, he splayed his fingers on Blair's enlarged belly, enjoying all the sensations that only a Sentinel could - guiltily, but still.<space>The thin fabric of the oversized shirt Blair wore, was no barrier to his sense of touch. He wouldn't go as far as to touch bare skin, because even with the two of them, that would really, really cross a line.

"So what were you planning to do that you couldn't do when I was awake?"

Jim took his hand away immediately, shame-faced, even though Blair's tone was more amused than accusing. What had he been thinking?

"I'm sorry," he said. "It's just that-- nevermind."

Blair was silent for a moment, then he said very patiently, "Talk to me, please. I know those aren't your favorite words, but hey, I need you to work with me. It's the only way I can stay sane in this crazy mess."

"I'm sorry." Jim hadn't realized he'd said the same thing just seconds ago. "All right then. Maybe you can make sense of it, because I sure as hell can't. I've been wanting to --" He hesitated, took a deep breath and then said it. "To touch you."

"Whoa, Jim. I mean --"

"Hell, not *that* way," Jim hurried to explain, knowing he was blushing, and grateful that they still weren't face to face. "More like, checking on you, making sure you and the baby are okay. Like *this*."

He put his hand back to where it had been a few minutes ago, not so nervous about it now, because it sure wasn't as dramatic as what Blair had supposed. Which was a good thing, because there was well enough drama in their lives.

"Then why didn't you just ask?" Blair wondered aloud. "I don't mind. It's your baby, too." Then he groaned. "Though let me tell you, it's seriously freaking me out to have this conversation with you."

"You were the one who wanted to talk," Jim teased him, not breaking the contact.

Blair laid one hand over Jim's, and they stayed that way, in silence, for a long time, both of them lost in their own thoughts, trying to comprehend their absurd journey from perfectly platonic friends to perfectly platonic expectant parents.

"I know it's kind of amazing," Blair said sadly. "But we can't keep it."

~~~

He had explained in depth, and the worst thing was that Blair was right in everything. There was no peace for a child with Sentinel senses, born to a man. They had to find a way to keep it from its creators, and from the press; it was the only way. Which meant they'd have to cut strings very quickly after the birth.

Given the violent incident, and that realization, it wasn't much of a question when the fire had died in the fireplace and they had decided to call it a night - Blair didn't seem surprised when Jim appeared in his doorway, hesitating just the slightest of moments, before he stepped closer. There was no need to turn on a light, or even say anything. It was understood.

They needed to be close tonight, in order to mourn a loss that was yet in the future, but inevitable all the same.

~~~

"I only hope that I did the right thing. I want this kid to have a good life -- and I would have wanted--"

Blair didn't trust his voice, so he broke off the sentence, but he assumed that Jim knew him too well to not know. True, the past few years he'd had other things on his mind than a family, but somehow, it had always been at the back of his mind. There was probably a good reason why Naomi had never wanted to talk about his father, and he'd sworn to himself that he'd make everything different, better, of course.

And he'd still have to leave his own child behind - in this, it didn't matter much how this child would come into this world, it was still a failure on his part.

"I know," Jim said quietly. "And it's not your fault you can't care for it."

"Maybe it wasn't his fault either."

Jim didn't comment on that. Blair let his thoughts wander back to the websites Dr. Travis had recommended a while ago; he had asked her some questions about the procedure that was still awaiting him, another surgery, and she had tried to answer them truthfully.

When they took out the baby, they'd most likely have to leave the placenta inside, as it would have been attached to the surrounding tissues, and its removal could easily cause him to bleed to death.

Wherever the child would grow up in the end, something, a reminder, would be with him for the rest of his life. The ones who had done this, never cared about those implications. They just wanted to see their crazy idea happen.

He shifted a little closer to Jim, his intent not very subtle as every move was rather an accomplishment in his current state, but fortunately, Jim didn't really mind, needing to fight demons of his own in this. And Blair had to admit, as much as he had insisted on needing words, manifest things by saying them, at moments like this, he was very much okay with his friend's ways.

Jim was more practical where these things were concerned, using touch where it seemed impossible to find the right words, and fuck, there were no words to actually take away the horror, the regret - and still, the amazement at what was going on inside of him.

Another strong kick from inside made him flinch, and he sighed. "And I thought it was bad getting beaten up from outside!"

Jim chuckled at that, his hand cautiously tracing the baby's movement. "She's packing quite a punch, that's right."

It took a moment for Blair to realize what Jim had just said. "She?"

"But on the, the last ultrasound..." Jim groaned. "Hell, I'm sorry. I didn't even realize I was using my senses. I was so sure you'd seen it yourself."

"Well, I didn't. She, huh?" Probably it only went to show the extent of his own denial that he'd never thought much about the child's gender; that somehow made it even more real, the baby inside of him, and the fact that he'd have to give it away. The emotion hit him unexpectedly.

"I thought that was good news, Chief." There was no teasing in Jim's voice.

"It is, but --"

"Maybe there's a way for us," Jim said. "Some way how we can keep her."

Those words followed Blair into sleep, one that was, for the first time in a long time, completely without nightmares. Even if it was just a nice dream.

~~~

"Jim, there's something I want you to look into."

Jim cast a somewhat self-conscious look at his partner, still fast asleep. The same old line was still true; not gay, but okay with everyone who was, even if they weren't - and still, it would have been hard to explain to anyone how they'd spent last night.

Not that he had to, and for that, Jim was rather grateful. "What is it, Simon?"

"Amy just called. They have a strange patient at the hospital who'd been treated for internal bleeding. They have transferred him to the psych ward, because he insisted that he'd miscarriaged a while ago."

"Shit," Jim said emphatically.

"I agree, but that might a big step forward. Maybe he's really crazy, but I guess that would be one hell of a coincidence. If he's one of them - I'm guessing he was exposed to the same mix of drugs, but maybe we get a lucky break and he remembers more. So, how is Blair doing?"

"As well as can be expected. Ten weeks and counting."

"What about you?"

Jim smiled grimly, even though Simon couldn't see it. "I want those creeps off the streets before we both become Dads. So what's the name?"

~~~

What the hell were they thinking, playing God like this?

Seeing the young man cowering in the corner of the bed, rocking himself, he had to chase unwelcome, intruding flashes of finding Blair in that warehouse, of endless rows of undefineable nightmares. Wryly, he thought that his own paranoia in science had paid off. Someone like Blair, who had ethics, who cared, seemed rather the exception than the rule.

Jim introduced himself, taking a tentative step forward, while the patient shrank back.

"I just want to ask you a few questions. What happened to you, might be in relation to an ongoing investigation."

There was weariness in the bright eyes, making the man look older that the twenty-two years that his papers had revealed. Marc Kendall, Amy had explained to Jim, hadn't talked about anything else than his alleged pregnancy.

"You won't believe me anyway, Detective. So why waste your and my time?"

"Because of my partner. He's almost seven months ahead, and scared. And we still haven't found the people who did this to him."

He saw the man's eyes go wide. "Then... they did it to him, too?" After a moment, he added, "Your partner?"

Jim barely refrained himself from rolling his eyes. "My partner at *work*, yes. And I guess that those were the same people. I really need your help. Who are they? Do you have any idea?"

Kendall shrugged. "Doctors. Specialists with gene therapy I think. There was a woman, a scientist, observing. I'm sorry, I can't really tell you more. We were drugged most of the time."

"Yeah, I know. Do you remember anything about the procedure, or anyone telling you what they were going to do?"

"Not in detail, but I got the idea when I saw the scar, and had the symptoms later."

"How did you escape?"

"Run?" Kendall barked a mirthless laugh. "You've got to understand that they didn't leave anything to chance. They monitored us, and they knew who was more likely to be able to carry through with the procedure. I think they didn't come after me, because they knew I was going to..." He swallowed, turning away when there were tears welling up in his eyes. "Losing it," he whispered. "They aborted it. After that, I guess they didn't need to come after me, because nobody would believe me."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Kendall." Damn, if there was anything to this theory... "Do you know how many there were?"

"Six, at least."

"Okay," Jim said, trying not to let his shock show. Six. "I suggest you tell the doctor that what you said was due to the pain. I'll confirm that. I guess that after all that has happened, you don't need to be locked up on top of it all."

Kendall gave him a grateful smile. "Thanks."

"I just need you to take a look at these pictures. Do you recognize anyone?"

Without hesitating, Marc Kendall picked the pictures of Dr. Fraser, and Dr. Price - not the one of Brackett, though.

~~~

The girl had reddish-brown curls, pale blue eyes and a sweet smile. A beautiful child.

He squatted down beside her, smiling back at her. "Hey, princess. Who are you?"

She raised a small finger to point at him. "Mommy!" she squeaked, and all of a sudden, her happy expression was replaced by one of madness and evil, scaring him. He wanted to back away, but couldn't move. She reached out with her chubby hands, touching his face; next, sharp claws were breaking his skin and the sound she made was anything but human --

God. With shaking hands, Blair reached for the next available switch of a lamp, sighing in relief when the living room was illuminated softly. Just for an instant, as his breathing and heartbeat slowly returned to normal, there was this fantasy, of waking up and finding all of it had been a nightmare - the monster child was, of course, but not the fact that there was a baby inside of him.

What would it have been like, to wake up and find... but no, nothing had changed, here he was still, a man, seven months pregnant, living every cliche twice as bad.

He couldn't even curl up on the couch like he wanted to, due to his altered figure. Couldn't sleep at night, so he was always tired as hell during the day, and he sure as hell didn't do his job as a Guide.

What had he ever done to call this upon him?

Desperation crept up on him again, impossible to resist, and Blair let himself fall into its dark embrace again, the fear that he could have made a wrong decision all those months ago, almost choking him.

~~~

They'd need more to bring Dr. Price in than the statement of an unfortunate man who had been committed to a psych ward, but Jim had high hopes that Simon would sign off on a stakeout - even though he wasn't going to be the one to do it - and he'd make sure that the doctors who treated Blair, would take a look at Kendall.

They would probably be able to determine if he had undergone the same procedure as Blair had.

For now, he only wanted to go home, have a quiet evening. As the date approached, he found himself growing calmer, because the most important things had been cleared between them. Hell, ten weeks, and it would all be over.

True, he wasn't really happy to leave the responsibility to somebody else, and last night, he'd held Blair when he cried about the fact that they'd have to give up this child even though they were its biological parents. It was sad, no doubt about it. And also, the whole set-up had been impossible to begin with, a cruel joke.

They deserved a normal life after that.

~~~

Blair hadn't started dinner when Jim arrived, not that he blamed him; he sure wouldn't be interested in moving around in this state, but -- right. It isn't like you would have ever gotten there, so cut the guy some slack.

"So, you're up to going out tonight?" Jim asked rhetorically.

Blair gave him a sharp look. "You know I haven't been for quite some time."

Right. And most of that time was behind them; a few weeks, and they'd be free again.

"So let's order something. Got any preferences?"

Blair simply shrugged, another hint adding up to a picture that Jim didn't like. What had been going on while he was in town today?

"Have the neighbors been bothering you?" Somehow, Jim was quite sure that wasn't the answer. After they'd returned from their vacation and learned about their son's activities, the couple had actually been very embarassed. They had apologized a couple of times.

"Just in case you hadn't noticed, man. This is what's bothering me." He indicated his belly with his right hand. "I'm going to have a baby. Our baby, in fact. Chances are, it still could kill me."

Blair's voice had risen on the last few words, and for a few tense moments, Jim just stared at him incredulously. This was -- worrisome. Usually, it would have been his line, and he felt a pang of an undefineable emotion at hearing it from Blair, who had been so sure all the time.

It was something akin to disappointment, even though he knew he didn't have the right to feel that way.

"That won't happen," he said firmly. "And would you please calm down; you know the levels of stress hormones in your body affect the baby directly."

Now it was Blair's turn to look incredulous, making Jim wish half-heartedly that he could take those words back. What was up with him, with both of them anyway tonight? He didn't get as far to ask though.

"Funny, you haven't been so concerned about the baby so far. Stress hormones, huh? Maybe I don't fucking care! Never mind, order dinner all you want; I'm not hungry." With that, he stalked to his room - or at least tried to. It didn't look very much like stalking, but the emotion was unmistakable.

With a sigh, Jim grabbed the phone. He'd order anyway - in the past few weeks he'd learned enough to know that Blair would want that dinner later, no matter what he was saying now.

The little baby girl who hadn't been born yet, was quite demanding already.

~~~

He went into Blair's room after having made the call, staying in the doorway. It wasn't yet dark outside, yet the shadows had crept into the room, dusk falling outside.

"Are you having second thoughts?" he asked gently.

"I'm having second thoughts, like, every other minute," came Blair's quiet answer. He didn't look up. "But look at me. What I think, doesn't really matter at the moment."

That was something Jim couldn't entirely deny, so he didn't say anything. As from where they were now, there was no going back. "It seems very likely that Price was involved in this," he said finally. "I'm sorry."

Blair acknowledged what wasn't really news anymore with a barely visible shrug. Unhurriedly, Jim walked closer, sitting down beside his friend. "Girl's been kicking you again?" He knew that Blair had been trying to put on a brave face lately, but it was hard to fool a Sentinel.

Jim had been home most of the time, but even when he wasn't, he could tell that the laptop hadn't been running for hours, as it had been some weeks ago. Back aches, swollen feet, and no end to the weird food urges and mood swings - those weren't just clichés.

Well, Carolyn's sister had been one happy woman, or so Carolyn had told him, shaking her head. No particular morning sickness to think of, gladly eating for two, she had been looking forward to being a mother.

Postcards from a different world.

"More like my own subconcious. I know it's kinda late, but I still wake up every now and then, wishing it was all part of the nightmare. And it makes me feel guilty. I don't know," Blair said tiredly. "Even when she's there, and we have to give her away, that doesn't change the facts. It can never be taken back."

"No, it can't."

For all the bravery Blair was showing - the trauma that had begun with his abduction was continuing, was here and now, no matter how much they tried to kid themselves into thinking it was amazing that he was bearing their child. Well, it was, no two ways around it.

It wasn't like that made the nightmare aspects of it go away.

"Just another dirty little secret that we share, right, Chief?"

"I want my life back. I want to do something important again."

In the darkness, and the relative intimacy of the situation, even a whisper between them seemed loud. Okay, Jim decided, today was a bad day. Maybe he should invite Kendall to come over, involve Blair in the investigation in a rather harmless way. "I think you do," he said, knowing at the same time, that words could only reach so far, and for all his assurances, he wasn't the one going through this.

Still having to shave every morning, while the baby was due in nine weeks or so. It was obvious, how pregnancy had changed Blair's body, and that would be reversible, but his mind was probably a different matter. Hell, it had changed both of them already.

"You do," he said again, hands again skimming over the perfect roundness, feeling for the life inside - and feeling guilty, because deep down inside way to the bottom of his Sentinel, caveman behavior patterns, it felt right. Something that Jim found infinitely scary.

~~~

Marc Kendall was not a man to be jealous of, Blair thought as he listened to the man's story. Oh, how he had wished he could have just gone to the station with Jim and meet him there, but that was impossible, of course. All the gang knew was that he and Jim had decided to take a Sabbatical, and knowing their well-meaning colleagues, they probably assumed that the time-out would involve a trip to Hawaii.

If only it had been that easy... Damn right, Jim had been a great support, without whom he probably wouldn't have dared to go on that trip to begin with, but that didn't make them be in love with each other. He almost didn't manage to hold back the hysterical laughter that wanted out so badly. Wasn't that seriously messed up karma?

Kendall was pale, but at least he wasn't in any danger physically any longer, and he had been able to leave the psych ward pretty soon after Jim's visit. "You have guts, man," he said. "I think I would have wanted to, if they hadn't--"

"I'm sorry." That was one mental picture Blair didn't need now. Neither did the unborn baby. He'd researched those sites on the net, read all those articles about how a baby was able to *hear* even when still inside the body of its, well, bearer.

"Yeah." The other man shrugged. "Maybe it's better that way. I should have known better though than tell the hospital about having been pregnant." He gave a bitter laugh, before taking another sip of his coffee. "I can't imagine how you've made it this far."

"Well -- I had help." Blair cast a grateful look at Jim who stood in the doorway to the kitchen. "And as you can see, we pretty much took a break from the real world."

Marc nodded. "Do you think they're ever going to be caught? It's more than half a year."

"I'm sure of it."

~~~

"What do you think they took us for?"

Blair didn't want to think too hard about that question. He already head a headache. He could barely see straight through the haze of drugs that kept them exhausted, not moving much, not being aware much --

Easy victims. To be prepared for -- something.

~~~

Small hands stroked his face tenderly, but when he wanted to lean into the gentle touch, he realized that he couldn't move his head; couldn't move at all, in fact, panic rising and washing over him in waves.

A sudden, violent pain made him scream out; and he couldn't see, but only feel the blood running over his body as claws had grown once again on short fingers, breaking his skin.

"Mommy," a voice whispered, and then there was a face hovering over him, and he already knew it, the features again distorted with malice.

The claws reached for his face, sinking in...

~~~

"You're going to be the Mommy of a Sentinel baby, how do you like that?"

~~~

"Don't do this! Don't do this!"

This was an effect of Kendall's visit that Jim had been woried about. Generally, he'd thought it a good idea to get the two men who had shared the same fate, to talk, though it hadn't really brought up anything with regard to the investigation.

It also had to trigger memories, bad ones, if the fact that he just couldn't seem to rouse Blair, was any indication. He'd witnessed before how Blair dealt with his fears, how he reacted to trauma, and while he could accept affection in a way that had made Jim jealous of him before, he sure didn't cry easily.

Not those desperate sobs, in the total grip of the nightmare still running.

"Come on now, wake up!" Jim said a little harsher, because he was well and truly creeped out by the scenario.

He hadn't counted the minutes, but it seemed like an eternity that Blair could finally break the grip of the images that were holding him prisoner. "I won't let you get to Jim!" His body jerked as if in pain, and then finally his eyes opened, breath coming in harsh gasps.

For an instant, Jim was distracted. Had he really heard....? Duh, of course he had. He'd have to ask Blair about that later; first things first, though. Blair's first attempt of taking a deep breath resulted in a coughing fit, and Jim briefly feared he could get sick.

"Bad one, huh?" he said quietly, poised to jump up and get a bucket or whatever was needed.

"You could say that." Although up to a little irony, Blair was still shaking all over. When he reached for the glass on the nightstand, it almost slipped from his slick fingers. "Damn it!"

"Take it easy. Be back in a minute, okay?"

Indeed, it didn't take him more than a minute to go to the bathroom, grab a towel, holding half of it under the faucet and wringing it, then getting back to Blair's room, handing the towel to his friend.

Blair accepted it with a shaky smile. "Thanks, man." He looked a little better after washing his face, the color returning, but the expression of terror wasn't entirely gone. "Whoa, that sucked."

"So I'd say." Jim wondered if this was already a good time to ask. "About the clinic?"

"That, too. It's just that in my dreams, the little baby girl turns into something like a werewolf, trying to shred me to pieces." He'd tried to put it lightly, but the narrative obviously brought back images, and Blair pressed the towel to his face with a sound of frustration. But Jim had smelled the fresh tears.

Maybe not such a good moment anyway; this seemed totally unrelated to the Sentinel thing, but very related to yesterday afternoon's nightmare. "I feel like a jerk for having these stupid dreams. It's just a baby! I don't hate it. I'm not scared of it. I'm losing my mind."

"Crap." It was an instinctive reaction; an abbreviation of Jim's thoughts - he found this ambivalence to be very logical; surely the baby was no horror creature, but the scenario in which it had come to life rivaled every Frankenstein adaptation. And that was a thought he'd better not share.

"I don't know how women who were raped and get pregnant, do it. Hell, I know I don't have the right to compare, and I wasn't even conscious when they did it, but -- I have to keep thinking about this."

Jim felt helpless with the turn this conversation was taking. Had he really thought they could avoid that subject for nine months, and then pretend it had never been there? Surely, there hadn't been any sexual aspect in this, but rape generally wasn't about sex. It was about exerting power, and that was what had happened. He stifled a sigh, wishing they could have involved a counselor in this.

On the other hand, it was probably easier to handle this on their own than to explain the concept of male pregnancy to him or her.

He really wanted to be supporting, but there wasn't much he could say in the way of making Blair feel better. There was something though that had been on his mind for a while, and maybe for this, it was a good moment. "I've been thinking. This will be over in a few weeks, and then it'd probably a good idea to take a good look at what we want to do with our lives."

"You want me to move out. I guess this has been--"

"No! That's not what I meant. I just..." He trailed off, feeling foolish all of a sudden.

"All right then. What they say at the station is true, and you want to marry me?"

This time, Jim had the appropriate return. "What makes you think I'd marry you first?"

When the moment of silliness had passed, Blair's words indicated that he'd understood perfectly. "Redefining your goals, because it might be all over tomorrow. I'm all for that, man. Too many construction sites; though at least one of them will be closed soon. I'll have the dissertation ready before the baby is due."

"That's great news, Chief!" It really was. Once upon a time, Jim might have feared the approaching of this date, but it was all different these days. There were far worse things, and of course, he trusted Blair to protect his identity. It wasn't a question any more. "Maybe the girl's lucky and has inherited your IQ."

Blair didn't say anything, but he smiled a little, and his heartbeat was finally calm and steady.

~~~

What did it all mean? The girl turning into a monster was bad enough, so were the flickers of memory, but did Lee Brackett have to creep into his nightmares, too?

Earlier, Blair could never identify the faces that belonged to the white-clad people that were restraining his body, whispering, doing absurd things, but since the flashback, Fraser used to appear in them. Sonia never did, but while she hadn't given herself away yet, he didn't really doubt that she had played a role in the set-up, too.

It was the only explanation of how he could have become exposed to the necessary female hormones. Not that they had any effect he could notice, and if the five o'clock shadow wasn't as heavy as it used to be, that could be his imagination, but the betrayal still stung.

At times, he was afraid of what could still happen, the fact that he was going to give birth notwithstanding. The identity crisis was still looming.

~~~

Simon's voice sounded urgent over the phone. "I just got a call from Brown. They're moving in. Imagine who is paying our Dr. Price a visit. It's Dr. Fraser."

It wasn't really much of a discussion.

"Go," Blair simply said when he told him, because even as much as he probably wanted to, there was no way he could come along. It would be fine as long as he didn't fall asleep and fall into another of these spells. Other than that, Jim could tell that a few hours on his own meant no harm. There were still some weeks to go, and Dr. Travis had said after the last exam that all was going as expected.

And he really had to, because this was their first chance at not only tying Price to Fraser, but getting the man who was supposedly behind the male pregnancy project - and then they'd also get answers as to how much he knew about Jim's senses anyway.

"You sure you're going to be okay?"

Blair smiled wistfully. "I don't have to tell you that I'd rather be there -- but I kinda see the point why it wouldn't be a good idea."

"No, it wouldn't be." Jim gave a gentle pat to Blair's rounded belly. "You two take care of yourselves. I'll be back as soon as possible."

"All right."

~~~

A matter of weeks. Come Halloween, he wouldn't be pregnant any longer, and by Christmas, he'd have his old figure back, the one he was used to.

"Let's hope so, right, girl?"

Even before all this, he'd known about research that showed that a lot of talking to a child would enhance its verbal abilities, and that girls were mostly superior in that department, because parents tended to be more verbal with girls, more tactile with boys.

It wasn't like he'd have a lot of chances to talk with this girl once it was born, so now, these last few weeks, were as good as any. The thought still wasn't without regret, but what else could they really do?

Blair really hoped that today would be some kind of turning point, where the perps where arrested and this could finally become a case like any other, when they'd finally learned the reason behind this weird experiment.

He still found it kind of shocking to have a former lover being involved in this, but considering the last case they had had Sonia's consultation, he was probably lucky she hadn't given him anything worse.

The pain was very light at first, barely noticable, so he thought nothing of it.

~~~

"What do you want from me?" Sonia asked angrily. "I have to tell you, this is coming close to harassment!"

"I don't think so." Jim pushed past her and walked straight into the living room, where Dr. Fraser was enjoying an afternoon tea. He didn't even look very surprised or worried. Strangely enough, even his heart rate became only slightly elevated.

"Jim," he said, smiling, getting up from his seat. "It's been a while. How have you been?"

"Better, now that I've found you, Doc. There's a team waiting outside. You are arrested, and so is Dr. Price."

"On what charges?" Fraser looked honestly puzzled, then he laughed out loud. "You always had this dry sense of humor, Jim. I've always liked that about you."

"This is no joke. I need you to come with me."

"Any way I can help, Jim," Fraser said, getting up, unhurried. "Are you going to tell me what this is all about?"

This was just no good. For a moment, Jim wondered if they had it all wrong. Or maybe he had been caught in one weird, delusional zone-out, thinking that Blair was actually... No. He needed to keep it together. "This is about a project of yours. Can we go now?"

Something glinted in the doctor's eyes, and that moment, Jim was sure that he wasn't mistaken at all. "Of course, let's read you your rights first." No point in taking a risk here with the kind of lawyer Fraser probably could afford.

~~~

Deep breaths. Maybe it would simply go away.

No such luck though. The pain had become more intense, and how was he to know anyway, but it felt like contractions, and his abdomen seemed tender, the sensation making him gasp when he touched carefully. This couldn't be good. Damn it, why today of all days?

He didn't want to bother Jim unless it was really important - but even with all the information the doctors had given him, he couldn't say for sure. Then another contraction hit, making his body clench even more painfully than before. Oh God. With dread, he realized what was happening, and it was much too early. Where was that damn phone?

~~~

"My, of course we kept this kind of research under tabs, what do you think? We didn't want the fanatics on our doorsteps. All our participants were doing it freely; they were men who wanted to bear a child. There's nothing illegal about this anyway."

Jim was, if just for an instant, stunned at the boldness of this man whom he had considered a friend years ago.

"Marc Kendall. Blair Sandburg."

"Excuse me if I can't remember all the names of those who applied. I wasn't handling the paperwork - I just performed the surgery, you know?"

"Who recruited them, then?"

"Most applied via the internet. We invited them for interviews, to see if they were serious about it, and then they signed a consent form. After all, this is a very new science."

"Stop giving me that bullshit!"

With some satisfaction, Jim noticed the doctor flinch. No need to raise his voice now. "Let's try this once more, and this time you're going to tell me why it is that my partner, who has never signed any consent form, is pregnant with a child that has both his and my genes."

Fraser didn't look as comfortable as before, as he said somberly, "You asked for this, Jim. I'm just a scientist who's absolutely in awe of the possibilities, but don't ask me to explain why a former CIA agent has become interested in--"

"Jim!"

"What is it?" Jim snapped, incredulously, when Simon interrupted him at such an important point of the interrogation, when Fraser was just about to talk.

"It's a Dr. Travis."

Turning, Jim saw the light smile on Fraser's face, and he longed to punch the man, but for the moment, his fears of bad news got the better of him. "I'm coming."

~~~

The nightmare just kept continuing. By the time he'd finally had the phone clutched in a sweaty hand, Blair felt ready to pass out from the intense pain, and he decided that it would have to be rather 911 than Jim.

It only got worse from there. How to make the paramedics, a woman younger than him, and a man about Jim's age see what was really going on? Blair could tell, if they hadn't seen he was so obviously in pain, they would have sent him straight to the psych ward. They did believe though, that something was wrong.

They supported him on the way to the ambulance, helped him climb inside, and that was the last conscious moment before the combined weight of another pain wave and flashback of another time being strapped down by medical personnel pulled him into its maelstrom.

~~~

"A Sentinel baby's mommy." The man laughed good-naturedly. "Who would've thought?"

Now? Then?

When he addressed Dr. Travis though, the tone was serious. "It's still early. Will the baby live?"

"I suppose so," she returned angrily. "Now will you let me do my job?"

"Knock yourself out." Lee Brackett grinned smugly. "The doctors Fraser and Price will be here in a few minutes, then the party can begin."

"The blood tests show the possibility of placental abruption. I don't think we can wait."

"Well, I do."

It wasn't much of a surprise to see Brackett, clad in surgical scrubs like the others, hold a gun on the doctor. And it wasn't really the sight of the gun which scared Blair, but what it might mean for him. Those contractions felt like his body was being torn apart from the inside, making tears stream down his face, and he imagined that the baby would feel the same distress.

"I'm so sorry, Blair," Dr. Travis whispered, laying a cool hand on his forehead as he once again writhed in pain.

"That's it, Mr. Brackett. Dr. Linton and I are going to start now. You can shoot us all or see the results of what you've done. I'm not letting my patient die when there's a chance he and the baby can live."

Brackett scowled at the clock on the wall. "Go on, Doctor."

Dr. Travis once again reached out her hand, her touch supposed to be reassuring, though Blair could feel she was nervous.

So was he. They would put him under now to prepare a risky surgery in the presence of a madman with a gun. At least, the pain was slowly fading, allowing his body to relax, vision starting to blur...

"Hang on, baby," he whispered, but the last thought was one of regret, because they hadn't reached Jim yet.

~~~

Arriving at the hospital, Jim was told to stay in the waiting area, not very surprisingly. The woman at the reception desk could only inform him that Blair was in surgery now, and that he'd have to wait for the doctors to tell him more.

How long did that take anyway? He was pacing in the room nervously. This wasn't right; the baby was supposed to stay where it had been for almost two months to come. But there where babies who lived, being born after a seven months pregnancy, weren't there? Was there a difference when they had evolved in the body of a woman?

Damn it, I'm not supposed to be here, asking these questions. This should have never happened.

Dr. Travis' lecture about the possible risks still rang loudly in his mind. If only he could have convinced Blair to never go through with it at all...

Too little, too late now.

Jim tried to open his hearing as far as he dared, which was always a risky thing in a hospital, but he couldn't not try. Soon enough, he met with the doctor's voice. "Damn it, we need to stop the bleeding!"

"He's not priority," another voice said, and startled, Jim recognized the one of Lee Brackett. He broke into a run.

~~~

The doors were firmly locked. Jim opened his cell phone, ignoring the dark look on the face of the nurse who was approaching him.

"Mister, you can't--"

He flashed his badge in her face, interrupting her. "There's a wanted felon in there. I need to call for backup."

"Come with me," she said curtly. "You use my phone, and you can access the room via the intercom. No need to endanger any more patients."

If nothing else, Jim had to admire her efficiency, as he was on the phone with Simon less than two minutes later, while Sharon, the nurse, prepared the intercom so he could talk to Brackett without anyone else listening in.

"Damn, Jim. I'm going to send a team to the hospital this moment," Simon announced.

"You do that, but tell them to be quiet. Brackett is no fool; he's going to expect that move. My primary concern is for Blair and the--" our "baby, but I wouldn't put it past Brackett to use anyone available as hostage."

Jim paused to take a breath, and Simon used that opportunity to say, "It's early."

"Yeah, that it is. But once we have Brackett. Everything will turn out just fine." He just had to make himself believe now. Just a second before Simon was about to hang up, he had an idea. "Sir, wait. Why don't you bring us Dr. Price here."

~~~

"Lee Brackett. Somehow I'm not surprised to see you involved in this. So what do you want?"

It was hard to maintain a cool, untouchable exterior when he was almost overwhelmed by the smell of blood. Jim couldn't even tell if it was unusual; after all the doctors had warned them time and again, but the presence of a rogue CIA agent with an agenda yet unknown was an additional factor of stress.

Just as well that Blair didn't know.

A few seconds ticked by, then Brackett answered. Jim had figured as much. Brackett possessed too much of an ego to miss out on an opportunity like this.

"Detective, nice to meet you again. Sorry about the circumstances, though. You could start by calling back the SWAT team that ought to be in position by now."

"Just why would I do that? Give up, Brackett. There's no way you can get out of here."

"We'll see about that. Congratulations, Jim. Your partner gave you a healthy girl, if prematurely born. Too bad you won't see much of her."

"Your blackmail scheme won't work. We've got the heads of this operation already. I'm betting Dr. Price will be happy to assist us with our investigation."

We need to treat them both; I can't do this holed up inside of here! Dr. Travis' angry voice floated over to him, almost making Jim miss Brackett's reaction.

"You're lying!"

Jim could now detect the smell of cigars that accompanied Simon, and another angry, female voice. They were here now. He only hoped this could be solved in time, before... and then he froze at the sound of a tiny human's first cry.

The baby was there, too.

~~~

Blair's heartbeat sounded all wrong. Of course, it sounded like a heart that was trying to outbalance the loss of blood. It drew Jim's attention to it, even though he knew he couldn't help in this. It was all in the hands of Dr. Travis and Dr. Linton, and then, of course, Brackett.

"Sonia is here now," he said. "Dr. Fraser is talking. Give up."

"Sorry, can't do that. Look, Detective, why don't we make a deal. I need to take this baby with me. It's all I really want. Excuse me here, but I don't really care for your partner, whether he's alive or not. I know you do."

So this is what it came down to. Hadn't they almost asked for this, with the ongoing argument whose life was more important? Blair would come first, no doubt about it, but the baby wasn't a phantom created by power-greedy scientists any longer - it was a real baby, and Jim wouldn't give it up into the hands of Brackett.

Simon gave him a worried look, while Sonia Price just smirked.

Dr. Travis spoke up over the intercom. "Jim, we don't have much time. We need to control the bleeding!" She didn't sound much afraid, but he had come to know her well enough to know she was very worried.

God, he'd seen websites that described in detail what could happen. He also knew the baby probably couldn't be moved; it should be in an incubator, because the birth was premature - but he'd made a promise. He would keep it, no matter what the costs were. And they were extremely high.

"Give it up," Sonia said. "Lee is no fool. It'll be the only way to save you partner."

Jim gave her a cold look before he spoke into the microphone. "Brackett, do you hear me? It seems we've reached a stalemate here - because we've got your partner."

~~~

"It's okay now. I've made it."

Over Price's shriek and her incredulous "You wouldn't dare!" when he raised the weapon at her, Jim heard Dr. Travis' voice, and he froze an instant later when he realized it didn't come out of the OR. While Brackett was in there with Blair, taunting him, she had left with the baby.

Travis had been talking to Brackett.

She was an associate.

~~~

He'd shared the news with Simon quickly and a uniform got the nurse outside the ward to safety.

Jim shoved Dr. Price towards the microphone none too gently, ignoring her complaints. "You tell him to open that door."

He had no idea how many of the staff in there could tend to Blair when Travis had left with the baby.

"And if I don't, you'll do what?"

Jim released the safety on his gun, and slowly raised it.

"You wouldn't dare!" she hissed.

Everybody in the room seemed to hold their breath, as Jim's finger tightened on the trigger. "You and Brackett have put us through hell with this experiment. The doctor just ran away with the baby, leaving Blair to bleed to death in there -- I don't expect you to care, but I do. Either he opens the door, or I'll shoot you." He lowered his voice to an almost whisper. "And it won't be quick."

Sonia Price looked uncertain for the first time.

Seconds ticked by, maddeningly, as Jim listened for Blair's heartbeat getting weaker. He fired off a shot that passed Price by millimeters, eliciting a startled cry from her.

"Damn it, Lee, open that door," she finally said.

~~~

The next moments had passed in a blur - Brackett had given the keys to a frightened orderly, trying to esape. The moment Jim got his hands on him was also the same that the dreaded sound of a flatline was to be heard.

And it was just as he'd feared, there was no doctor around - Travis had taken off, and Dr. Linton lay in one corner of the room, drugged. She had been planning this all along - using him just long enough for the baby to be delivered, but none of them cared if Blair stayed alive in the end.

He'd stared in horror at the still form of his friend, almost gagged at the smell of blood, his vision blurring even after Brackett was cuffed, kept taunting him about how he was much too valuable to certain circles to end up in jail.

There was frantic activity, another doctor being called into the OR, the women and men who had been hostages minutes ago, working on their patient. It was a nurse who finally urged Jim to leave.

He knew he had to, but could only bring himself to do it when the heartbeat was back. Another doctor had been taking charge, and they were finishing the operation.

~~~

At some point, Travis must have thought she'd have a better chance at getting away if she left the baby at the hospital, which proved to be true. There was no trace of her -- but a patient in another wing almost believed to be hallucinating when she was made to hold the newborn.

Fortunately, she was smart enough to alert the nearest doctor, so that the little girl could be tended to and put into the incubator, not a minute too soon.

"Don't you want to go see her?"

Jim looked up at Simon tiredly. Hours had passed, but he still couldn't make himself to go, too scared he'd lose that precious sound again. How could he even explain... he had to think of Blair's nightmares, of a little girl turning into a sharp-clawed monster, ready to attack. Yeah, right. It had to be bad if he was now afraid of a baby.

He'd go see her, all right, but not before he knew that Blair would survive. After all, that had always been the priority. Jim shook his head to himself. Damn it, Chief. We're parents now.

~~~

The first sensation was a light touch to his wrist. So he was still alive after all... There was a sudden stab of fear, and the impulse to bolt upright into the bed, but of course, his body didn't obey. The result was that his heart began to hammer as if wanting to break through his ribcage.

"Take it easy. Brackett's gone. You'll be all right."

Brackett, right. One of those nightmare fragments. He'd really been there. Not so real, but none-the-less frightening had been the dream of the monster-girl trying to claw her way through his belly from the inside. He'd dreamed of everyone walking away in disgust while he lay there with this gaping hole in his body, his life draining away...

With much effort, Blair opened his eyes, and that was better, because after a while, he could focus on Jim, who'd certainly been in better shape, but smiled.

"Seen... her?" The effect of the anaesthetic was still strong, and he feared falling back into that dark dream world.

"Not yet," Jim said, looking a bit mortified. "But I will. I promise you I will." His mixed feelings coming across clearly.

Blair wanted to hold on to the hand that encircled his, but couldn't, the tug of the drug too strong to resist.

~~~

In the end, it had been almost two days before they could have that little piece of conversation; a promise of things getting better. Almost two days before Jim could bring himself to visit the yet unnamed girl in the maternity ward.

Of course, she wasn't anything of what he, or Blair, had feared. She was small, which was a given, considering her premature birth, but other than that -- just a little baby, like all the others there. Yet, there was no mistaking her being special.

Dr. Linton had woken from his drugged sleep and been back in charge soon. Blair had to have prepared him and Dr. Travis for the needs of a Sentinel baby. The light was very soft in the room; the sounds muted. All accomodations made for Sentinel senses. Jim felt his face flush with shame, realizing that he hadn't even thought of this at all.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. And Blair had been right all along. He wasn't feeling it now, but he had been hating this tiny human being for a while, for having been forced on them, for the possiblity that Blair could have died giving birth to her.

"Why don't you reach inside? They need touch just as much as all babies," the nurse encouraged him, smiling.

If only she knew. "You really think?"

"Yes. The earlier you can connect, the better."

Very cautiously, Jim stroked the small head, a tiny arm, and then almost withdrew his hand, startled, as the small fingers wrapped themselves around his index finger.

It was one hell of an irony that this gift had been given to him by his male friend to whom his relationship was purely platonical.

They had truly turned the world upside down.

~~~

Except for still feeling tired most of the time, he was told that his recovery was coming along quite well. Soon enough, the doctor encouraged him to take a walk, and while Blair felt like having run a marathon afterwards, he felt like he was coming to terms with what had been done to him, for the first time in ages.

Because it was over. He'd done it, and survived.

Much was still uncertain, like the question if it was safe to keep the baby, now that Fraser, Price and Brackett were in jail, but Travis still missing. Would there be anybody left interested in continuing the experiment? Questions that wouldn't be answered within a week. But with most of the heads of the operation behind bars, they wouldn't give her up.

He'd been amazed how tenderly Jim had held the baby before handing her to him.

Then Blair got to hold her too, and he remained torn between being in awe at what they'd done, and still somewhat in shock about the same fact. They'd have to go back into the real world at some time. With a baby that he had born. Now there's some material for Oprah.

He was allowed to go home after another week, the baby was to stay a little while longer, and he had promised her a name the next time he came back.

Going back to the loft for the first time in a while, they were both pretty giddy; Jim making bad jokes about how her name should be Mary for obvious reasons, which only showed his relief, about how both Blair and the baby had come out of the trial alive.

So far, she seemed normal in everything, a sensitive baby, yes, but developing okay.

It was almost too good to be true.

~~~

If it hadn't been for the baby waiting for them to come back, they could have almost fooled themselves into believing that nothing had ever happened, Jim thought languidly, sharing a beer with his partner that Blair was finally allowed to have, being back in their home, which was actually looking good thanks to Sally who'd come down every once in a while to air it out and clean.

He'd hoped that the time of the nightmares would finally be over, but there was no such luck. When he came down the stairs, Blair was already standing at the window, wrapping his arms around himself, looking dejected.

"Sometimes I think it has changed everything too much. There is no going back to normal."

He was right, Jim had to admit. This evening was only a respite, but once they'd brought the baby girl home - and they were actually damn lucky to be able to do that - their lives would never be the same as they'd been before the abduction. "Well, what is normal anyway? We'll just do it like before - one step at a time."

Blair was right, Jim thought as he drew him close, something that he needed just as bad. There was no turning back, because there was the baby now who needed them to make the right decisions. The intimacy hadn't ended with her birth. Would there come a time when they'd take a good look at their relationship and think they'd got it all wrong?

Was there a lesson to be learned in all this?

There weren't any answers at the moment, but later, when he offered Blair the option to sleep upstairs, he'd accepted, and there weren't anymore nightmares.

"One step at a time, right? Seems like a good idea for all three of us."

The End

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