Found this on the hard drive of my old computer... a bit of unhappy slash. Don't ask me where it came from! Thanks to Lyn for the beta!

The Pain Unseen

By Demeter

EMAIL: Demeter

He should have been the happiest man on earth, but at the moment, Blair Sandburg was far from that.

He couldn't understand it. All day, he'd gone through the daily chores, the classes, then his office hours like someone walking in a cloud, dreaming, the world around him feeling unreal.

Time was unreal, too. Could it really have been just yesterday that --

It was hard to think about it, turn around and take a good look at what had happened. Because it was so far from his expectations, and because Blair knew it was all his fault.

That was why he had stayed in his office, after getting himself a cheap bottle of wine from the nearby grocery store, truly intending to stay for the night. What had once seemed like the coming true of a long-held fantasy, had turned out to be a catastrophe, at least in his own, private micro-cosmos.

Yesterday, he and Jim had made love.

That's what he still wanted to call it, but as he poured himself another glass, Blair admitted to himself that it hadn't felt that way.

Not that any of this was Jim's fault, no way. First of all, him making a move on Blair hadn't been all that surprising. And hadn't he waited for that for half a lifetime? That first kiss had been so sweet, a promise, fooling him into thinking he was ready for more.

Blair couldn't say when it had happened, and it wasn't logical either, because no one should feel like this after having been loved as gently and caring as he had been - which he rationally knew. It wasn't like he hadn't been turned on or hadn't come - had come twice, in fact, but all that was left in the end was a whole lot of emptiness.

He'd lain in Jim's embrace and frantically tried not to cry, feeling utterly inadequate, the emotion threatening to swallow him up. It was still very vivid. Because there hadn't been any passion, any wonder, nothing of what he had wished for, given the fact that he loved Jim.

He truly did, just not the way Jim, or any person, for that matter, deserved.

There had just been the natural response of a body reacting to stimulation, and that was it. Blair couldn't remember ever having been this disappointed, in life, in himself.

He felt absolutely clueless. There was only one thing that was for sure -- at the moment, he was free to give in to whatever emotion was on the surface.

Blair cried.

The End

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