Latin for the Novice
Notes: In honor of sideburns who said Daniel set the aestus and causes Jack to affluo which I think means Danny is hot and Jack comes in haste. Either that or Daniel set the lunar tide and Jack still comes in haste. *g* Thanks to C for laughing whether it was funny or not and to Lyn for the beta (as always!).
Warnings: Everything I learned about Latin I learned despite spending every Latin class melting over the desk into a puddle of teenage lust because Justin Scott was translating The Odyssey two desks over. Whoever said smart cant be sexy never saw this guy. Uh, in other words, about Latin, well, I dont remember a damn word.
Disclaimer: Dont own the guys. No copyright infringement whatsoever is intended. The story is for entertainment purposes only.
(If youll remember Jack learned everything he knew about Latin from Latin for the Novice by Joseph Mallozzi, PhD. Although Im sure Daniel helped, too.)
"What did you just say?"
"Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur."
The look of a stunned, completely speechless linguist was worth every agonizing ever-repeating minute in which Jack had not fulfilled his fantasy of throwing Dr. Mallozzis book (and Dr. Mallozzi if the bastard turned out to still be alive and kicking) through an open gate.
"Okay ..." Well, almost completely speechless, as complete speechlessness was a Daniel-impossibility. "What do you mean it just sort of slips out?"
Wide blue eyes blinked and blinked again as the linguist realized his brain had just unknowingly slipped itself into automatic translation mode - which was never, ever something that happened to him where Jack was concerned. "Latin? Latin just sort of slips out?"
Which called for a shrug and a smile. "Sola lingua bona est lingua mortua."
"Jack." Daniels hand wavered indecisively between bringing the Daniel-making-a-point index finger to his lips and pushing back the wire frames slipping down his nose. "Youre not having some kind of Ancient flashback, are you?"
"Labera lege "
A flustered Daniel was an amazing thing to watch. The little worry lines creased his forehead and he looked up from where he sat, his head slightly ducked down and his eyes doing that little shy-look thing from behind his glasses that anyone would swear was flirting. Only civilian linguists dont flirt with Air Force colonels. Damn them.
"Maybe we should let Janet check you out."
As if was right. Three fucking months of Fruit Loops. And it had almost been bearable. Right up to Daniels little innocent "Gee, Jack, just think you could do anything ... for as long as you want without having to worry about consequences." Yeah, right. Theres no way in hell Daniel was going to ruin what little fun was to be had out of the whole sorry experience.
"Then you want to tell me why youre suddenly speaking the linguae Romanae?"
"Quid latine dictum sit, altum viditur."
"Uh, yes, well things do sound more profound in Latin."
Of course a completely flummoxed Daniel was even more fun than a flustered one. Until the long-fingered hand moved to the phone and it was time to voice a protest before even the little fun was cut short.
"You dont want me to call Janet."
Like anyone should have to ask.
"And theres nothing wrong with you."
Oh, there were a few things wrong with Jack, but none of them had anything to do with being able to converse in a dead tongue.
"So this has something to do with P4X 639."
They dont give them two doctorates with honors for nothing, even if they do have the most incredible blue eyes.
"You really learned to speak Latin."
Jack bristled just a bit that even Daniel had taken his stupid act as being more stupid and less act than Jack was originally going for.
"Vescere bracis meis."
"Jack, you just said eat my shorts. Even if it technically is Latin I dont think "
Three solid months of looking into those blue eyes and knowing that no consequences might lead a man to kiss his 2IC but never his linguist because there would be consequences, dammit. Thered be fucking consequences out the yin-yang.
Then there was Daniel, just being Daniel. Asking that damn unanswerable question every loopy morning like the fate of the world depended on it. Actually, hell, maybe it did. There were days the fate of the world was regular SGC conversational fodder. And now he had on his linguist-look and was taking in Simpsons quotes with the utter seriousness he usually reserved for crumbly, rocky, Goauldy things.
"Certe, Toto, sentio nos in Kansate non iam adesse."
The finger made it to the lips then was moved slightly outward in Jacks direction, waving metronome-like before Daniel managed to put most of it together. "You learned Latin. In three months. Which you used to translate the Wizard of Oz?"
"Imus ad magum Ozi videndum, magum Ozi mirum mirissimum."
Not that there wasnt that small thing about translating the altar and cutting off the fucking time-loop machine that had created the literally perpetual hell of Carters coronal mass emission briefing.
"You couldnt find anything more productive?"
Fun as conceived by Jack, and therefore, most normal people, continued to go tragically unnoticed in Daniel Jacksons world.
"Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?"
"How much wood could " And to Jacks surprise Daniel growled. Really growled. "I dont believe this!"
And when Daniel didnt believe, he didnt believe with his whole body. The little dance he did on the planet with the naked mushroom guys over mythology being, in the words of a certain Air Force officer, "rumors lies fairytales," sprang uninvited to Jacks mind as Daniel jumped up to pace, then spun around and paced some more in the confines beside his overburdened desk.
"You learned Latin and you really used it to translate movie quotes and nursery rhymes?"
If shoulders could be said to shrug in a foreign language, Jacks shrugged in the pluperfect passive.
"While I appreciate the show of intellectual power it took to learn a whole new language"
When the realization of what hed just said (and who hed just said it to) sank in, the blue eyes narrowed in suspicion. "You had some kind of head start, didnt you? Something still in there from the Ancients."
The hand did a demi-wave that was scarily akin to the nervous tics McKenzies drugs had left in Daniels system after the whole Machello mess. The ones that had taken weeks to fully work their way out. "Never mind. You just disappoint me, Jack. You, of all people, were given the opportunity to act solely without consequence and you--"
"Basiavi Sama Carterius."
It was strangely easier to say those kinds of things in Latin. Assuming hed said it right.
"You kissed Sam? What the hell were you thinking? Oh, wait I know what you were thinking, that there were no consequences, right?"
Oh, apparently hed said it right.
"Have you told her?"
Did he tell her? Did he look like he wanted to be court-martialed?
"Non Hercle vero!"
"Yeah, you may be right. I dont think telling her would be a good idea."
The mention of Sam brought to mind things physic-ish and that a body in motion staying in motion pretty much explained why Daniel was still working hard at wearing a hole in the reinforced concrete that separated him from Level 19. He didnt stop but he scrunched his face in that I-really-know-I-shouldnt-say-this-but-I-just-have-to-anyway look that usually sent shivers down Jacks spine. Because what Daniel was usually going to say was something so self-apparent to anyone moral and decent and kind that it was bound to cause trouble being that moral and decent and kind did not somehow describe the majority of the citizens of the universe.
"Uh, Jack," Daniel folded his arms and hugged himself protectively before managing to continue. "Why Sam?"
Why Sam? Didnt they just talk about the whole no-consequences thing? Jack could kiss Sam. Jack could have kissed Janet. Hell, Jack could have kissed Hammond if hed wanted to. The only two people in the whole damn mountain he couldnt kiss were, one, Tealc for obvious reasons (primarily being that the man was so damn scary looking when annoyed) - and, two, one blue-eyed linguist - because thered be damn consequences.
If possible, Daniel hugged himself even tighter. "What I mean, Jack um, what I mean is why not me?"
Jacks mind suddenly failed to conjugate. "Excuse me?"
"No, really. Why Sam and not me?"
"What?" The gray hair shook as Jack tried to rattle his thoughts back into place. "Are you saying you expected me to walk in one loopy morning and say Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me video?"
"That should be tibi libet me videre. Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me? And, yes, I would expect you to do that, Jack. I figured the only thing that was holding things up was, you know, dont ask, dont tell. And you had wont remember and didnt use it? You kissed Sam? Why?"
"Hey, I like Sam." Which from the expression on Daniels face was not the right thing to say just then. "I, uh, just like you more."
"So, because you like me, you kiss her."
"Oh, that makes perfect sense, Jack."
"Well, it does make perfect sense, Doctor, if in the morning I remember kissing someone I cared for and all theyre going to do is say Anyway, I'm sorry. But that just happens to be the way I feel about it. What do you think?"
"Thats what you said."
"I said what?"
If there was a look past "flummoxed" Jack had accidentally managed to induce it.
"No. You said Anyway, I'm sorry. But that just happens to be the way I feel about it. What do you think? Something like a hundred times. And I dont even know what the hell you were talking about!"
"You youve lost me, Jack."
"Every friggin time we snapped back into the start of the loop youd be leaning across the table saying, Anyway, I'm sorry. But that just happens to be the way I feel about it. What do you think? Do you know how nuts that can drive a person?"
"Um. Yeah, I guess, but could we get back to the part about--"
"Kissing? Basio. Basiare."
Daniel hadnt let go of the tight hold he had over his own biceps. "So you didnt want to kiss me?"
"Oh, dont think it didnt tempt me."
Something like four hundred times a day.
"So, you did. But you didnt because I wouldnt remember it?"
"No, Daniel." Jack picked up an ugly little statue of something that looked like a squashed toad, desperate to have something to look at that wasnt gazing at him from behind once-again drooping wire frames. "Because I would."
He hazarded a glance in Daniels direction.
"And if I did it once Id have to do it again. And if I did it twice " Jack put the breakable down. "You see my problem."
"Mmm." Daniel worried a minute at a pile of paper on his desk. "So, your problem was that you didnt want to be the only one who remembered our--"
"Locking lips," provided Jack.
"Assuming I can buy that, and, oddly, I think I can. Im still wondering why youve been standing there now this whole time and havent taken the opportunity to--"
"Ah." Jack buried his hands in his pockets and tipped up on his toes. "Well, theres a camera, Daniel."
"And if there wasnt?"
Jack quirked a scared eyebrow. "Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt."
"I think the Egyptians might have something to say about that."
This time Jack didnt mind the little smile and the look that he was getting from beneath fringed lashes that he could swear was flirting. Because it was flirting.
Which was probably why when the heavy knock shook the door they both jumped back at least two feet; Daniel ending up in the farthest corner, gulping convulsively, and Jack pressed against the cool wall.
"Come in!" Their unison was damningly shaky.
"ONeill." Only the Jaffa could make one word sound like an indictment. "Danieljackson."
"Tealc!" Jack hadnt realized Daniel could turn quite that shade of pink. "Jack was just showing off his Latin."
The Jaffa set his face in the stoic expression hed determined most likely to halt whatever Tauri nonsense that ONeill, lacking a situation which needed his warrior skill, was currently perpetrating.
"The language you helped us translate during the time loop was a Latin root. Your copy of Dr. Mallozzis book proved most beneficial."
"Really? Mallozzi? Well, Im just glad I could be of help. So, you can speak it now, too?"
"I am not as proficient as ONeill."
Jack puffed with pride.
"Oh, Im sure you are," wheedled Daniel, watching Jacks posture deflate ever so slightly. "Say something."
Inclining his head, Tealc responded with dignified gravity. "Credo Elvem etiam vivere. I believe Elvis lives."
The gray head snapped in Daniels direction. "What?"
"You did this, didnt you? Theres a copy of The Iliad sitting on the shelf over there and I bet you never touched it."
"Its boring. Its dumb. It took Ulysses twenty years to get home cause he wouldnt stop to ask for directions. A mistake *Id* never make."
"But on P5W-683 you, yourself, ONeill, would not ask the way back to the Stargate."
"Tealc," Jack waved his hands to break the stolid stare that had been fixed on him, "you *wanted* something?"
"Yes, General Hammond requests the presence of both you and Danieljackson in the briefing room."
The back of Jacks hand slapped against frighteningly solid muscle. "Tell the General well be there immediately."
Tealc expression changed infinitesimally. "If you are to come immediately, should you not also accompany me?"
"Almost almost immediately," corrected Jack. "Just let me and Daniel finish up here."
After a brief moment in which Tealc appeared to be judging, not Jacks obvious desire for him to go, but Daniels possible desire for him to stay, he solemnly agreed. "I shall convey your message."
Jack firmly closed the door behind him.
"You have something left to say, Jack?"
"Well, I havent tried out all my Latin." Jack cleared his throat. "Ego te amo. Dormi mecum."
Daniel raised both eyebrows as he reached for the door knob. "Oh, I can top that one. Ego te amo to you, too. And pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo."
Jack frowned, working it out. "Give me head and Ill "
From partway up the corridor, the linguist could hear him sputtering. "Daniel!"
Daniel turned back around, a wicked smile on his face and a finger waving warningly.
"Daniel, come back here, I have something to say to you!"
"Save it, Jack. Save it. Besides I know what you want to say and Illiud Latine dici non potest."
Still trying to catch up, Jack huffed a little and muttered under his breath. "I can too say it in Latin. I can say lambes meus globi. I can say bibe meum semenum e baculo and podex perfectus est and--"
He was brought up short by the stare he was receiving from a couple of biochemists hed seen hanging around Carter from time to time. Shit. He could say it in Latin all right just somewhere other than the geek levels.
He saluted the stunned scientists. "You wouldnt believe what those Goaulds write on bathroom walls."
Then he whistled all the way to the briefing room. Yep, vita bona.
Life was good.
For the interested:
The Jack Oneill and Daniel Jackson Guide to Dirty Latin
Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt You know, Romans invented the art of love.
Ego te amo -- I love you.
Dormi mecum -- Sleep with me.
Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo -- Gimme head and I'll fuck your ass.
Illiud Latine dici non potest -- You can't say that in Latin.
Lambes meus globi -- Lick my balls.
Bibe meum semenum e baculo -- Swallow my cum from a cup.
Podex perfectus est -- You are a complete asshole.