What is it behind the corner?
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Simon and the guys are gone almost 2 hours ago and Jim and me have spent this time chatting and putting the house in order. Jim the master of cleaning is a steamroller even in the special event, in such case, my birthday.
Yeah, today, or better, yesterday was my birthday, Im turned thirty.
It has been a beautiful party. I have spent a very good time with my friend, I have had a looooong chinwag with my mom and even my students have been less inattentive than usual.
Obviously it would really a good thing if this gift could last for the whole semester.
I guess it will be to ask too
Man, Im so tired. Its passed another half hour.
Now its 3.18 am and Im still looking the door of my room.
I have really needed to go out for a walk, a breath of air to clean my head.
I wonder weather I can dare to slip out without wake up Jim.
Nahh, not too probable
I guess that I must content my self with the deckchair on the balcony.
Oh, I cannot forget my trusty and very warm doona.
Ok Blair, lets go!
Wow! What wonderful sky star tonight. There arent nor a cloud and the air seems so light I bet that Jim would be able to hear the harbours noise till here. And heaven know what else
Im not sure if I want well, even if could seem incredible to believe it but I dont think that I want to be alike Jim.
Not, this isnt right. Jim is a terrific guy. Not just for his senses but because he is he, in a word.
I dont know why suddenly my mind is so full of funnies.
I mean, I have had a very good day yesterday, I find my Saint Graal, my lifetime dream, and I fulfilled so many wishes in those years both in the personal and working field.
Then why Im brooding in the cold instead to be in my comfortable and warm bed perhaps dreaming a tropical beach and
What? A breathtaking girl? A sailboard and a green room? Or perhaps a toddler with which make a sandcastle?
And now this from where is it coming?!?
Look inside yourself Blair and youll find your answer.
My God, I have already thirty and I havent still had a stable relation with a woman. Someone could say to me that its because I havent still meet the right person, my kindred soul.
How much odd this could to seem, the only fixed point in my life is Jim.
Our its a relationship, a friendship beyond the easy words. There are so many aspects in our relation. He is a Sentinel, Im his Guide. He is a cop, Im his unofficially partner.
Sometimes Im his teacher, every so often he is my counsellor. Other times Im his focus, he is my Blessed Protector, a big brother a father
Well, its useless to deny that when I was a child I have always wished a guy like Jim as father.
Anyway now he is in my life and only this is the important.
Besides there is the Shamanism, the spiritual aspect that its so essential in what we are, who we are!
But my life really, since I have meet Jim, does have to be related to this Sentinel thing forever?
Maybe Im an ungrateful, but this do will be my life even, what know...between 10 years, 20 years?
Will I be still here, living with Jim in this loft, sleeping ever in hat little room?
I mean, Jim and me we have never actually spoken of our future. Our respective plans or what to do if he, both, or me we find somebody to love.
The fact is always the same Im thirty now. Many my contemporises have already a their family, some children.
Naomi was 18 years old when Im born and surely its a good thing to have young parents, maybe not so young like Naomi, though
Man, Im losing myself here. I dont know more what I want, what I fear more.
Its just that from time to time I feel myself trapped in something too big of me. Imprisoned in a plot that someone has already wrote and I cannot make nothing to change even a comma.
His is my life then. Forever the trustworthy sidekick-Guide-police observer that am I now?
How many possibilities Ill have to improve myself, to try out new situations, make a trip occasionally if I keep on to put my responsibilities towards Jim, my students and all the rest before my own need.
Why one thing has to rule out another inevitably.
I wonder if Jim too has himself my same doubts.
I love my life, I like my work, both with Jim and to the Uni. Im so proud of what Jim and me have made till now, with his senses, his ability to control them, our interaction in everyday life.
Still, I feel that I missing something inside me though, Im afraid even to wish something other for fear of lost what I have now.
So, I can just hope to fulfil very soon, this lost empty place in my heart.
Im longing to fall in love. I want to be a father, a husband before it be too late.
I wannot believe that the whole our fate is already written since the beginning.
The life is achievement, its sharing.
Im thirty and one day, now.
Im a lucky man.
But Im still hungry of life (well, after all my spirit animal is a wolf) so I cannot and I wannot satisfy myself still.
There are so many things out there for me to accomplish. Maybe I must have just a bit patience.
Yeah, this is somewhat that I can do.
The first light of dawn testify how much time Im stayed outside but its okay, its as a sign of hope to my eyes.
Then I smile and in my heart, in my soul a whisper tell me that behind the corner there is still a life to build.
28 Feb. 03