What is it behind the corner?

by Antonella

FEEDBACK TO: antonella_stelitano@virgilio.it

Finally alone.

Simon and the guys are gone almost 2 hours ago and Jim and me have spent this time chatting and putting the house in order. Jim ‘the master of cleaning’ is a steamroller even in the special event, in such case, my birthday.

Yeah, today, or better, yesterday was my birthday, I’m turned thirty.

It has been a beautiful party. I have spent a very good time with my friend, I have had a looooong chinwag with my mom and even my students have been less inattentive than usual.

Obviously it would really a good thing if this ‘gift’ could last for the whole semester.

I guess it will be to ask too…

Man, I’m so tired. It’s passed another half hour.

Now it’s 3.18 am and I’m still looking the door of my room.

I have really needed to go out for a walk, a breath of air to clean my head.

I wonder weather I can dare to slip out without wake up Jim.

Nahh, not too probable…

I guess that I must content my self with the deckchair on the balcony.

Oh, I cannot forget my trusty and very warm doona.

Ok Blair, let’s go!

Wow! What wonderful sky star tonight. There aren’t nor a cloud and the air seems so light…I bet that Jim would be able to hear the harbour’s noise till here. And heaven know what else…

I’m not sure if I want…well, even if could seem incredible to believe it but I don’t think that I want to be alike Jim.

Not, this isn’t right. Jim is a terrific guy. Not just for his senses but because he is…he, in a word.

I don’t know why suddenly my mind is so full of funnies.

I mean, I have had a very good day yesterday, I find my Saint Graal, my lifetime dream, and I fulfilled so many wishes in those years both in the personal and working field.

Then why I’m brooding in the cold instead to be in my comfortable and warm bed perhaps dreaming a tropical beach and…

What? A breathtaking girl? A sailboard and a green room? Or perhaps a toddler with which make a sandcastle?

And now this from where is it coming?!?

Look inside yourself Blair and you’ll find your answer.

My God, I have already thirty and I haven’t still had a stable relation with a woman. Someone could say to me that it’s because I haven’t still meet the right person, my kindred soul.

How much odd this could to seem, the only fixed point in my life is Jim.

Our it’s a relationship, a friendship beyond the easy words. There are so many aspects in our relation. He is a Sentinel, I’m his Guide. He is a cop, I’m his ‘unofficially partner’.

Sometimes I’m his teacher, every so often he is my counsellor. Other times I’m his ‘focus’, he is my Blessed Protector, a big brother … a father…

Well, it’s useless to deny that when I was a child I have always wished a guy like Jim as father.

Anyway now he is in my life and only this is the important.

Besides there is the Shamanism, the spiritual aspect that it’s so essential in what we are, who we are!

But my life really, since I have meet Jim, does have to be related to this Sentinel thing forever?

Maybe I’m an ungrateful, but this do will be my life even, what know...between 10 years, 20 years?

Will I be still here, living with Jim in this loft, sleeping ever in hat little room?

I mean, Jim and me we have never actually spoken of our future. Our respective plans or what to do if he, both, or me we find somebody to love.

The fact is always the same…I’m thirty now. Many my contemporises have already a their family, some children.

Naomi was 18 years old when I’m born and surely it’s a good thing to have young parents, maybe not so young like Naomi, though…

Man, I’m losing myself here. I don’t know more what I want, what I fear more.

It’s just that from time to time I feel myself trapped in something too big of me. Imprisoned in a plot that someone has already wrote and I cannot make nothing to change even a comma.

His is my life then. Forever the trustworthy sidekick-Guide-police observer that am I now?

How many possibilities I’ll have to improve myself, to try out new situations, make a trip occasionally if I keep on to put my responsibilities towards Jim, my students and all the rest before my own need.

Why one thing has to rule out another inevitably.

I wonder if Jim too has himself my same doubts.

I love my life, I like my work, both with Jim and to the Uni. I’m so proud of what Jim and me have made till now, with his senses, his ability to control them, our interaction in everyday life.

Still, I feel that I missing something inside me though, I’m afraid even to wish something other for fear of lost what I have now.

So, I can just hope to fulfil very soon, this lost empty place in my heart.

I’m longing to fall in love. I want to be a father, a husband before it be too late.

I wannot believe that the whole our fate is already written since the beginning.

The life is achievement, it’s sharing.

I’m thirty and one day, now.

I’m a lucky man.

But I’m still ‘hungry of life’ (well, after all my spirit animal is a wolf) so I cannot and I wannot satisfy myself still.

There are so many things out there for me to accomplish. Maybe I must have just a bit patience.

Yeah, this is somewhat that I can do.

The first light of dawn testify how much time I’m stayed outside but it’s okay, it’s as a sign of hope to my eyes.

Then I smile and in my heart, in my soul a whisper tell me that behind the corner there is still a life to build.

END

 

 

 

28 Feb. 03