Category: gen/humor, bit of angst/hc
Summary: a rather meandering Blair monologue as Jim is rushed to the hospital via ambulance
"I am NOT leaving him!...C'mon, I know you guys are new on the EMT roster, but surely you've been told about us...Yeah, yeah, we're THOSE two, Ellison and Sandburg...hey, you don't have to spazz out on me, no need to panic...I mean, we aren't THAT bad. Just work with me here, and everything will be fine..."
"Whadya mean, no civilians on board? Hey, hey!! Dieter, or whatever your name is, hands off the merchandise; you're freaking NUTS if you think you can keep me out of this ambulance! Jim needs me; if you guys think you can handle him without me, you are sadly mistaken, my friend...c'mon, I thought you said you've HEARD about us. Surely you've talked to Emmett, he always takes care of us when we end up in the back of one of these things during his shift..."
"Oh, God, thank you, thank you!...Sean, is it? Pleased to meet you by the way, Sean, I'm Blair. Man, thank you SO much for smoothing things over with your partner, there; I really appreciate it. Good luck with that, by the way; I mean, Dieter seems a bit of a control freak, if you get my drift. And believe me, I can sympathize. When Jim and I first got together...Well, I'll tell you all about it later, after I get things squared away here with the Big Guy. Don't tell anyone I called him that, he HATES it when I give him cutesie nicknames...And hey,not to tell you your business, I mean I know he needs that iv line put in; but if you could just let me slip in there first, before you start, and just give me ONE minute with him...I'm just saying, you might not like his reaction otherwise...I swear, this won't delay treatment, what I'm doing; it's just--well, for Jim it's just a necessary PART of the treatment, I promise. Won't take long at all, but he needs me to ground him first, to help him know which way is up, so to speak...Believe me, it'll save you a lot of time and trouble in the long run...Wow, thanks, I really appreciate your trust and cooperation; just have that iv ready, Sean, and I'll be out of your hair before you know it."
"Oh, hey, Jim, there we go...is that a flash of sweet baby blue I see glaring at me from under those lids? I'm here, man, right here with you...look, can you feel me squeezing your hands? C'mon, partner, give me a sign; follow my voice, my touch, back to the land of the living. Ah-ah, none of that, don't you dare drift off away from me again!! I need for you to listen to me, Jim; feel my hands on yours, bringing you up bit by bit from the darkness with every stroke of my fingers on your skin...Geez, man, what are you doing to me, here, being stubborn like this? Don't you know I've got a rep to protect in front of the new guys, here? After all, I told them you really, really need me here with you; and you wouldn't want them to pull over and toss me out on my keister and make me have to hoof it the rest of the way to the ER, now would you? Cause if that happened, then where would we both be? Up shit creek without a paddle, that's where, cause those dials have gotta be going completely haywire on you right now if that clenched jaw is any indication...and let me tell you, my friend, I do NOT like your color right now--at least what I can see of it under that bandage and all that blood. God, you almost gave me a heart attack back there! But everything's okay, you're okay; I guess I just forgot how badly even minor head wounds can bleed. But really, it's just a scratch, isn't that right, Sean? See, Sean says it's nothing, man, and he should know; I mean, he wouldn't be wearing that crisp, cool uniform and that stethoscope around his neck if he didn't know his stuff, eh? And the ribs...well, they're likely just banged up, not broken; you're gonna hurt like hell for a bit, but with your trusty guide by your side, we can easily manage those pain dials, right, my brother? So, c'mon, Jim, come back to me, I KNOW all this jabbering has GOT to be getting on your last nerve...So let me see that patented Ellison glare, lay it on me...That's it, that's right, good..."
Ah, groaning; well, it's not as good as words, but it's definitely a start. I know, Jim, that headache's gotta be a doozie, but that's why I'm here, to help you tone it all down while you find your way back...Hey, hey, watch with the flailing, Sean's not gonna be too happy with either of us if you give him a black eye his first day on the job here! Jim, Jim!...Focus on my voice, ONLY on my voice, nothing else...not the pain, or the noise of the ambulance siren; just zero in on my words, man, and on the sound of my voice, pulling you up, up from the hurting and the dark...Concentrate, man, hear me telling you to find that pain gauge and SEE it, there, see where it's set and then LOWER it slowly, bit by bit, just one eighth of a turn each time you feel me squeeze your hands...C'mon, Jim, focus on me, and LISTEN to me...Not too much too fast, Jim, slow it down! If you try to futz with that gauge more than what I've told you to do, you're gonna be hurling all over me and poor Sean in about thirty seconds. So c'mon, slow and steady, ease that pain dial down while you find vision and hearing and start bringing those up, let's have a fourth of a notch at a time to start..Not so tough or confusing if you stay with me, FEEL me with you here...you can do it, my man, we've practiced this a zillion times by now..."
"Ah, don't give me ATTITUDE, Ellison; I know that pissy, distracted grimace that's on your face now all too well, and it's not gonna wash with me this time around. No more sliding back into Neverland, you know in the long run that just makes it harder to get control of everything later when you finally HAVE to wake up and deal. Cut it out, Jim; I know you're thinking you can just tune me out like you do all the time at home when you don't want to hear it, but that's not gonna fly this time; you OWE me for scaring the living shit out of me back there, and I mean to collect on the debt before we even pull up to the ER. So fork over my winnings, Jim; squeeze my hands right back at me like I'm doing to yours now, open your eyes, and tell me in your usual inimitable fashion to 'fuck off, Sandburg'...I know you've got it in you, just one nice little expletive for me..."
"Whoo hoo!! YES!! We have definite signs of life on the planet, folks! That's it, that's my boy! You are the bomb, Jim, the effing bomb! Okay, okay now, we've DEFINITELY gotten some motor function back cause you are CRUSHING my fingers, man!...Whew, that's better, Big Guy; no, no, don't let go, keep squeezing my hands and just lie there and chill while Sean starts that iv on you...get ready for the needle prick, just a little prick for you to dial down...ha, ha, very funny, God you are SO transparent with the bad jokes, man...Looks like you're almost all the way back with us now; where are your dials, at about four for pain? See, Sean, when he just has one little ridge like that between his eyes that's usually a four on the Ellison 1-10 pain scale...But we seem to be lagging a bit with the other senses, that blow to his head still has him a bit hazy...Jim, hey man; Sean's gonna need some room to work here now, so I think it's about time I got out of the way and gave him the floor, so to speak...but I'll be right down here at the foot of the stretcher, keeping my eye on you..."
"I'm great, Jim, not a scratch on me thanks to you. You knocked me out of the way right before Gutierrez would've taken my head off with that damned machete. Unfortunately he managed to wallop you upside your head with the flat of it when you threw yourself in his path, and while you were down he got in some pretty vicious kicks to your ribs; and he was just about to lift the machete again and separate your head from the rest of you when I managed to sneak in behind him and sweep his legs out from under him. Ha, he damned near chopped his own leg off with the machete when he fell, and while he was bleeding all over himself and howling, I just dragged you away from him and called for backup. He tried to stagger up and go at me again, but I just kept dancing around till I wore him out and he toppled again like a redwood in the forest, man. So quit looking at me all anxious and protective, Jim; I'm FINE. You're the one on the gurney, not me, so settle down and let Sean work his magic. You'll be up and about before you know it, and then you can bitch me out for whichever vaunted police procedural rule I broke this time around."
"No...bitch'ng, B'lr...you...did g'd...Good wrk..."
"Hey, didya hear that, Sean? Jim just paid me a compliment; geez, he really MUST have a head injury! Oops, there goes that needle stick, buddy, sorry about that...I let the blinding glory of your praise distract me from my duties for a second, huh? Maybe I should explain to Sean that, appearances to the contrary, you aren't REALLY a big old blubbering baby over one little iv, eh, Jim? See, Sean, Jim's senses are kinda...well, ACUTE might be the best way to describe them; and it's kinda like that fairy tale, you know the one about the princess and the pea? Jim's like the princess, only stubblier; he can feel even the tiniest pain or stimulus to a much greater degree than most of us. I'm sure you've heard of people like that, as an EMT you're familiar with how everyone's pain thresholds differ to some extent...Ha, look at that, my scholarly lecture is putting Jim out like a light again. C'mon, partner, stay with us here for just a bit more; you know Dr. Andres can't wait to get her hands on that buff bod of yours again when we get to the ER. Okay, okay, just relax, man, lower the dial another notch or two so you don't feel it so intensely as the iv solution starts running through your veins...That's it, concentrate on ME, man, give me love love love here...Feel me, Jim, feel my hands touching your ankles, my fingers circling round and round...that's good, your breathing's settling down again, everything's copasetic..."
"And here we are, my brother, delivered safe and sound into the waiting arms of the ER staff; and it looks like Sean and Dieter both survived their Ellison/Sandburg initiation without too much trauma. And trust me, guys, that's saying something; you wouldn't BELIEVE some of the stuff Emmett and the other EMT's have had to handle on Jim's and my duty shift; we just seem to have this flair for finding trouble sometimes, go figure...So. It was good to meet you guys, thanks for the safe, speedy run and the great conversation, Sean...Oh, here, let me help you with that stretcher, Jim's not exactly a lightweight, is he? I appreciate everything you've done, drop by Major Crimes sometimes and I'll treat to you a cup of my famous green tea from my own private stash...Hey, Dr. Andres, guess who's back? Jim, look, the doc wore her blue scrubs tonight, your favorite color on her...What, man? C'mon, I'm not embarrassing you, partner, I mean I'm just saying..."
"Hey, Sean; you okay? Earth to Sean; it's your new partner Dieter, here...Hey, you're looking a little...shell shocked. Did something happen with Ellison while I was driving that you didn't tell me about? You know we gotta report anything like that that's out of the ordinary or that could affect his treatment or condition...Huh? It was Sandburg? What do you mean, next time I get to ride in back with him? Aspirin? Yeah, we keep some in the truck; why, you got a headache, bud? That's too bad, maybe it's just the stress of your first rescue run in this city. Don't worry, it's probably just nerves; lucky for us our first time out was such a piece of cake, eh? Sean, why are you glaring at me like that?...