Who Wants To Be A Guide
by Kira

Host: Okay, for a research dissertation subject, this is your question. What does the word "Chief" stand for?

A) the head of the police department
B) a derogatory term used to refer to Native American leaders
C) the affectionate nickname given by Sentinels to their Guides
D) the name of the cocker spaniel next door

Contestant: Oh that's easy Reeves. It's 'C.'

Host: And you're right!

<audience applauds>

Host: Now I understand that you're a graduate student at Rainer University. What would you do if you managed to be a Guide?

Contestant: Well, I've always seen myself as Shaman to the Great City. I think that'd be really cool. And I wouldn't mind the fame. <grins>

Host: Okay, for a roof over your head after yours explodes, here's the question: <grandiose music and flashing lights whirl> What earing would a Guide like to have

A) a peace symbol
B) a small silver badge
C) a pirate's hoop
D) a clip on

Contestant: Well, you see Reeves, I happen to have done extensive study on the subject of Guide rings...both earrings and nipple rings. Being an anthropologist....<rambles on for about ten minutes while the audience wishes he'd just get on with the answer already> So my answer will have to be 'B"

<pregnant pause.....goes into labor....>

Host: And that's correct!

<Contestant smiles as audience claps...as if anyone couldn't answer *that* question.>

Host: Now remember, you've still got you're lifelines available. So you can use them at anytime. Let's move on to the next question shall we? Here we go. Going for a Blessed Protector, what is the biggest weakness of Sentinels?

A) zoneouts
B) phermones
C) dropping one's gun
D) his Guide's safety

Contestant: Wow. Now that's a tricky one. Hmmm. I'm pretty sure that I know what it is, but I think I'll use one of my lifelines.

Host: Which one would you like?

Contestant: I'd like to ask the audience. They're always right, right?

Host: Okay, audience. Pick up your control and punch in the answers. <fancy computer graphics appear> Well, an overwhelming response. 99.9 percent say it is 'his Guide's safety'. The SALers must have bought tickets for tonight.

Contestant: Well, far be it from me to go against such a knowledgeable group. I'll say 'D'.

Host: And you're right!

Contestant: See, the audience is never wrong! <Shoots a blinding smile at the audience. A certain law student faints from the twinkle in his blue eyes. Mass swooning.>

Host: Okay, moving right along. Now, at this point you're guaranteed to have a Blessed Protector. No matter where you stop, you're guaranteed that. But now, for an all expenses paid trip to Peru, complete with a jump out of an airplane and a lizard down your pants, what are elevators for?

A) going up and down from floor to floor
B) making out in between floors
C) putting Little Guppies in peril
D) freight.

Contestant: Um. 'C', putting little Guppies in peril.

Host: Is that your final answer ? <attempting to shed doubt>

Contestant: That is my final answer.

<unnecessary pause>

Host: And it's the right one! All right. The tension is mounting. For, a second chance at life -- after a long nasty cliffhanger, what are yellow scarves?

A) pretty hair accessories
B) source of nightmares
C) garment to keep ears warm with
D) a fashion faux-pas

Contestant: <shudders. Audience members must be restrained from storming the floor to provide comfort> Definitely B. Final answer.

Host: Right again! Now, you've come very far. Only two more questions to go. If you stop here, you get a second chance at life....if you go on you could be reduced down to Blessed Protector.

Contestant: I want to go on. I've got my lifelines.

<audience claps and wolf-whistles.>

Host: Okay. For a Spirit Guide, what is absolutely required of the Sentinel by their Guide:

A) cook them supper
B) hold them when they need comforting....lots of holding. Comforting...tucking in when sick. <achem>
C) check up on their girlfriends
D) pick up after their messes

Contestant: Gee. That's tricky. I'm going to have to use one of those lifeline. How about fifty-fifty?

Host: Okay, we'll remove two of the answers, leaving you with one real answer and one false. <fancy computer graphic ensue> and we're left with B and C

Contestant: Ah, man. Those were the two I had to choose from. I'll have to make a guess then...

Host: You can always walk away with the second chance at life. If you guess wrong, then you'll be reduced to Blessed Protector.

Contestant. No, I'm going to go for it. <cheers from the audience> And I'm going to guess 'B'. A whole list can't be devoted to it, if its not important.

<bated breath...music goes all suspenseful-like>

Host: And you're right!

<'Whooohooo!' 'Go Gupster!' 'Damp, not Dead!' 'Come on Lambchop!' Audience finally subdues itself.>

Host: and now the final question. For being a Guide.....what is the lesson one is supposed to learn from everything?

A) 42
B) its about friendship
C) Wet and cold is my world
D) Always stay in the truck

Contestant: Well, I'd like to use my last life line.

Host: Okay, who would you like to call?

Contestant: I'd like to call my roommate, Jim.

Host: Our friends at CascadeTel will call him up....

<telephone ring and is picked up>


Host: Hello, is this Jim?

//Yeah, who's this?//

Host: This is Reeves Fildmen.

//Can this wait? I've got an interrogation to go to?//

Host: Well, Blair is going to read a question and then you'll have twenty seconds to talk about it. Starting *now*.

Contestant: Jim, I really don't need your help really. I just wanted to let you know that the lasagne is defrosting in the microwave and I replaced your toothpaste with an all natural brand. It's in the cupboard over the sink. I might be a bit late getting home, but if I have any problems I' ve got the cell phone.

//Okay, Chief. See you then. Take care driving home; the roads are slippery. I'll have some herbal tea waiting for when you get in.//

Host: Okay, time's up. <call disconnected>

Contestant.: The answer is -- and always will be -- 'B'.

Host: Final answer?

Contestant: The only one to give.

<Audience sits forward on seats, nails get bitten, muses get bashed on the head as h/c snippets flash, angst plot-bunnies bounce under the bleachers>

Host: CONGRATULATIONS! You are the newest Guide!

<Blue eyes survey the room, see hordes of screaming SALers, and Blair beats a hasty retreat....>

Host: Alright then, lets see who our next contestant will be on 'Who wants to be a Guide'. We've got Henri, Megan, Rafe and Simon who have all qualified. Please put in order the following.....

<scene fades and returns to loft>

"Blair...wake up Blair."

"mmmm. Jim.....final answer."

"Come on Chief, we've got a long day tomorrow and you should get to sleep. I'm taping your show for you so you can watch it tomorrow. Though, why you like that overpompous excuse for a game show is beyond me."

"Mnphm 'kay." Jim sighed, and bending down bundled his tousle-headed, dopey-eyed Guide into his arms and carried him off to his bedroom. He tucked the blankets around the younger man's shoulders

"Sweet dreams." Jim reached for the light switch.

"Mmmm Hmmm."