Love and Sorrow
by Kira

It was late.  Steve looked at the table with its candles, now nearly burned down to the bronze holder, and sighed.  The ups and downs of loving a doctor, he mused.  He turned off the oven where the chicken casserole and mushroom rice had been sitting for the last hour, keeping warm.

This had been the fourth night this week that Jesse had been working late.  The other three were part of his shift work, but tonight Jesse had promised to be home.  So much for a romantic evening.  Knowing that he was being selfish, Steve blew out the candles and put the wine bottle back into the fridge.  He then sank onto the couch, grabbed up the remote control and turned on the tv.

Shopping Channel, boring.  Flick.

Jerry Springer, creepy.  Flick.

News, depressing.  Flick.

Cop show, unrealistic.  Flick.

Romantic movie, too depressing and too unrealistic.  Flick.

His head began to drop to his chest, his lids becoming heavy with sleep.  The second hand on the grandfather clock -- a present from Jesse's eccentric aunt -- moved slowly past the nine and onto the ten while the hour hand crept towards the one.  Soon, he was sprawled with the grace of the truly tired, head bowed forward and the remote held limply in one hand.

The sound of the door clicking was a soft noise against the drone of the commercials, but it cut through Steve's drowsing brain and roused him from a wonderful dream where naked Jesses romped.  He worked the kink from his neck, and turned as his lover made it from the porch to the living room, pulling of his jacket as he walked.

Jesse's shoulder's were slumped, and when his head emerged from the woolen fabric as he pulled the sweater over his head, Steve could see the tired eyes peering muzzily at him.

"Hey there."  He rolled up off the couch and held out his arms.  Jesse moved into them, wrapping his own arms around Steve's waist as he was enfolded within the larger man's warmth.

"I'm sorry."  Jesse's voice was muffled by the soft cotton of Steve's sweatshirt.  "I know you had something special planned."

Steve silently wished he had put the candles and silverware away before Jesse had come home, as they only served to remind both men of what could have been."Don't worry.  There was a great, uh, movie on.  Didn't even notice you were gone."

The light teasing brought a grin from his lover, but Steve could see shadows in those normally vibrant eyes.  He slowly walked them up the stairs and into their bedroom, where he had already turned the quilt and sheets back in anticipation of wild sex following a romantic dinner.  But now, he had more important things on his mind.  Like what was dampening his normally gregarious partner.  He sat Jesse on the bed.

"Don't move.  Let me."  He followed the command with a gentle finger on Jesse's lips, silencing any protest.  Steve gently pulled of the comfortable, but well worn, shoes, giving the tense feet a quick rub as he rolled down the socks.  Moving up, he unbuttoned the shirt and pushed it off Jesse's shoulders, revealing pale skin that glowed by the light of the small lamp in the corner.  He placed a kiss on each collar bone and looked up.

Jesse was staring at him with a mixture of love and sadness.

"What happened?"  Steve asked, placing his hands on either side of Jesse's face.  The soft concern broke through Jesse's defences.  He closed his eyes tightly, and when he reopened them they were suspiciously bright with moisture.

"I lost a patient today."

Steve let his own eyes drift shut.  He knew how much Jesse loved helping people, and that every miracle he saw reaffirmed his joy in his job.  But for each miracle that left through the hospital's door, there was a tragedy that bit painfully into the soft-hearted man.  He moved to sit beside his lover, and pulled him against his chest, stroking his hair.

"Do you want to tell me about it?" he pressed.

Jesse nodded against his shoulder.  "She was only ten.  It was a car crash.  She...she was tossed from the car, no seatbelt.  The other driver was drunk.  He only had a few cuts.  We almost had her stabilized when she just..."  Jesse's voice trailed off, and he gave a watery sniff.  Steve merely tightened his grip.  "We tried everything, but nothing worked.  We couldn't save her."

Steve could hear the 'I couldn't save her' that went unsaid.

"Anyway, her parents were there, and they just wouldn't let her go, begging us to do more.  I was so angry, with them, with the driver.  And then she died.  She looked up at me these big green eyes and just died."

Steve couldn't pull him any closer, but that didn't stop him from trying.  He could feel the freely flowing tears wetting his shirt.  He simply sat there, holding Jesse, stroking his hair, and rubbing his back.  They sat like that, simply providing and receiving the comfort so desperately needed.

Looking back, neither could tell when the gentle touches turned into more.

Steve could feel Jesse nuzzling at the nape of his neck, and gently slid his fingers down soft skin to undo the buttons and zippers on Jesse's slacks.  He urged the younger man to lie back, and then slid the slack off, efficiently removing the boxers at the same time.  Having his lover laying there, while he was still fully dressed was incredibly erotic.  Jesse's hands were busy, demanding that his sweatshirt and jeans be abandoned with all haste.  And Steve didn't complain.

Soon, they were both naked, lying on their sides, revelling in the feel, taste and smell of each other.  Steve ran his hand down to the soft swell of Jesse's ass, caressing the spot which he knew would get his attention.  He pushed at Jesse's shoulder, and rolled him onto his stomach, exposing the lightly muscled plane of his back, and the sensitive shoulder blades which rolled at his light touch.  He straddled the strong thighs and leaned down to lap at Jesse's neck, tasting the lingering salt from his tears.

"Let me do this for you."

Jesse simply relaxed into the mattress in response.  Steve chuckled deep in his chest and began to stroke the tense muscles of Jesse's back, massaging away the stress of the day and the pain of the early evening.  This was their time, and he wouldn't allow any misplaced guilt to destroy the love he wanted to share with his man.

Bending down, he let his tongue trace the way from the centre of Jesse's neck all the way down to the top of the shadowy crease, feeling each bump and dip of the spine.  Jesse shivered in anticipation and spread his legs encouragingly.  The trust that Jesse showed him in bed, always managed to render Steve speechless, but more than willing to show he was up to exploiting that trust for all it was worth.

A quick root in the night side table, resulted in a half-rolled tube of lubricant.  Jesse gripped the pillow beneath his head tightly as Steve gently circled the sensitive hole with a moist finger, teasing and titillating.  The quiet moans that escaped the pillow were enough to further the journey of the finger, slowly delving into the heated depths.

Steve never rushed this, relishing the intimate connection, never wanting to hurt the joy beneath him.  It wasn't until Jesse was pushing back on three fingers that he slicked up his erection and gently exchanged one source of stimulation for another.

Softly and sweetly, tenderly and lovingly, they became joined.  They both groaned as Steve's groin came to rest against the firm mounds of Jesse's ass cheeks.  Jesse's breath came in shaky gasps, and his hips jerked against Steve.

"Love me," the younger man begged, his voice carrying a note of desperation.

"Always," Steve replied, beginning to languidly thrust against his lover.  It wasn't the wild hot sex he had envisioned, but was a gentle loving that transcended the simply physical joining.   He could tell by the breathy moans that escaped his lover's lips that he was stroking Jesse's prostate on each thrust.  He blanketed Jesse, covering him completely and enfolding him in comfort.

He closed his eyes, and lost himself in the feel of the tightly clenching sheath around his erection, that flexed and clenched, spurring him on.  He wished that he could dispel the pain and guilt, but he couldn't.  He could only stave it off and make Jesse forget, at least for a while.

They rocked in tandem, the rhythm familiar, and ever erotic.  The slide of skin against skin drew them further over the edge, the pace increasing marginally, neither wanting it to end, but both realizing that it would.

"Oh god.  Now.  More!"  Jesse cried, his hips straining backward to take as much of the hard cock into him as he could.

Steve could never deny him, and did his best to fill him, pressing deep and firm into the tight ass.
His hand snaked around, and stroked gently at Jesse's own dripping erection.  The stimulation was enough for Jesse and he climaxed.  The sudden spasm of the channel around him was too much for Steve, and he shot deeply into his lover, his hips jerking in a staccato.

He was reluctant to pull out, and a hand on his buttock encouraged him to stay, simply resting on top of Jesse as they both shuddered with ecstasy.  It was a few minutes before either spoke.


"Hmmm?" It was hard to concentrate with the moist heat surrounding his cock, and the nimble hand that was tracing intricate patterns on his left ass cheek.

"Thank you."

"Love you, too."

It wasn't the evening he had planned.  But he knew by now, that any evening he was able to share with Jesse would be treasured, almost as much as he cherished Jesse himself.  He turned them onto their sides, slowly sliding from Jesse's warmth.  He spooned himself behind the younger man and reached over to turn off the light.

"Sleep, love," he whispered in Jesse's ear, kissing the side of his neck and pulling him back against his chest.  He drifted to sleep, his arms tightly wound around his lover.  Tomorrow would be another day, filled with crime and sickness.  But tonight, even if only for a few hours, it would just be them.  Together.



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